There And Back Again

Let's begin with the obligatory late August photo: 

And now on to today's episode!

I gave it my best.

The  'serious'  blog.

Let's get real, folks-I mean have you seen me in real life?  

My life isn't pristine and pretty but it's certainly not an apocalypse.

NOTE:  I was looking at the online thesaurus for a fantastic replacement for apocalypse. This was the first thing that showed up so I stopped looking  and settled for it because here we are. 

So I guess it technically could be considered an apocalypse in the overall picture even it is a bit of a stretch. 

My life isn't something that can stay within nice defined boundaries.

I color outside the lines.   I remove mattress tags.  

I occasionally run with scissors. 

I drink milk past the expiration date.  My Christmas tree is still up. 

Yes, I march to the beast of my own drum.

No that's not a typo.  I said beast. 

I will elaborate on that another time. 

My intent was to post meaningful things that provoked thoughts that were philosophical in nature and not the I wonder if she's off her meds kind. 

The funny thing is that I had people message me asking if I was off my meds. Oh the irony....

 I'm more like an eclectic mix of chaospasm mixed in with passion, insanity, and a side of occasional adulting. 

What snapped me back into myself?  

An audio book I was listending to. I randomly checked it out from the online library because the title called to me for some reason. Include the cover shot of a raccoon that looked like it was on an extended mania spree pretty much sealed the deal. 

Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson

Pictured is the author and the book cover

This link will take you to the  free preview of the book. 

 Disclaimer: It is peppered with language but I promise if you can overlook it it's worth it.  

https://www.google.com/books/edition/Furiously_Happy/FS6NBwAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&printsec=frontcover

As I have listened to it I got really excited because  I get it. 

I thank those of you who have stuck with my through the growing pains of finding myself back to this blog. 

 For some reason I got it in my head that by writing a 'serious' blog I was going to be a 'better' blogger.  

Well we can all see how that turned out.  

So this is just a quick update to say that I'm back-really back-and we shall continue on forging through this fantastic life of mine filled with nonsense and grit. 

The grit part isn't always fun to share but it's who I am and this is all-in or all-out.

At times we may go to uncomfortable places but they are part of the package. 

I hope you enjoy the ride. :)

Until next time,

-R

As always remember that there are only: 

Gut Feelings, Stubbornness, and the Changing of Seasons

Most people will say that the change of Summer to Autumn is a big one for them. It definitely is for me. There is something about it that is almost tangible. Some say they feel it in their bones while others might say that there is a general disconnect between seasons. Some feel a sense of dread. 

The reasons are attributed to 'back to school' fever, pulling out the winter gear, mourning the loss of warm-weather opportunities, and voraciously pouring over the winter forecasts with glee because you can't wait to see how bad of a winter is coming each year. Everyone does that, right? 

***Disclaimer: results may vary***

As I've grown older I admit I do like fall well enough. The last couple of years I realized just how much I love it.  Yes, you are reading this correctly:  Winter has a close competitor.  While it does admittedly win out over fall I'm happy to finally publicly embrace this most amazing change of seasons. 

I feel blessed to live in an area that has four distinct seasons. As a hobby photographer I enjoy the rich colors of fall, the stark contrast of winter, the first brilliant greens of spring, and the thunderstorms that are summer's way of reminding us that she, too, has a powerful place in things. 

I think that one of the more uncomfortable things that summer's end represents is a big shift in our personal focus. 

We 'wake up' during spring-an almost frenetic process of renewal. It's frenetic for me because the increase of light sends my poor little neurotransmitters into a flurry of activity that rivals the eruption of Krakatoa. (Obligatory educational link:  https://www.livescience.com/28186-krakatoa.html )

Summer turns our thoughts toward freedom and focus becomes outward.

 Late summer becomes an attempt to hold on with a sense of desperation as the first twinges of fall touch our psyche. 

Fall arrives in a brilliant final display of color as it pulls our focus back inward with more structured boundaries and introspection. 

Winter brings introspection and the stark beauty of nature as she sleeps.

It's a tougher transition for some.  

We are living in times of great uncertainty and this obviously has affected each and every one of us.

 I have tended to become more stubborn about many things in my life in order to maintain a form of stability. I've ignored many gut feelings that I should have followed in my quest to keep as much normality and consistency for myself and family. 

 My stubbornness has become my nemesis. 

The only thing that's ended up being consistent is that ignoring the gut feelings have been costly both emotionally and physically.  

Looking at what I don't have because of the chaos vs counting our blessings. I think that it's important to continue to count the positives we do have, even if it seems like the negatives far outweigh them. 

I have been encouraged by several in my circle to listen to those gut feelings. I found myself initially hyper-focusing and second guessing each feeling I had in an attempt to sort them into the 'gut', 'wishful thinking', and 'nope' categories. It was defeating the whole purpose.

There is a big difference in my gut feelings vs the other ones. The gut feeling is a deeper, quiet, solid thing while the others are not quiet and have no real substance to them. It's similar listening to that still small quiet voice we all do have even if we try to deny it's there. 

As we enter into the next phase of the future unknown, I would encourage you to stand tall and strong.  You are stronger than you realize.  

You can do this. 

We can do this. 

To quote something I came across  a couple of years ago: "Don't be scared, be prepared." Yes, I know it's difficult because we don't know what to really prepare for.  This is a topic I will post on at a later date as I'm still sorting that one out. 

Be good to each other. 

Until next time, 

-R

And I would be remiss if I didn't include that we have for your countdown pleasure: 

Restlessness, Noise, and the Dog Days of Summer

Restlessness and Noise

*Formatting fixed*

I am normally pretty restless during the month of August and this year even more so.

The uncertainty of how school will begin here is still in discussion.  

I had an opportunity to apply for Midget to attend a local charter school in July. 

 While I haven’t received an acceptance letter, I was emailed that she had been accepted. 

Midget is really looking forward to her new school but we don’t know what it will look like yet.  

Normally there is a new student orientation in August. We aren’t sure what supplies are needed as it’s a blended format but I’m going ahead and getting the basics now-backpack, calculator, pens/pencils, etc., things she will definitely use.

Even the sky is restless at this time of year with the Persied Meteor shower peaking tonight!

https://www.space.com/perseid-meteor-shower-2020-webcasts.html

Fun August Fact: 

 

I turned off all electronics for several hours this afternoon and it was uncomfortably  quiet.  I am really making an effort to do reduce the ‘noise’ around me. (As I type this with a Star Wars movie in the background).

I hadn’t realized how dependent on the background noise I’d become. 

 I’d been making sure I have a tablet charged for day and for night. I had been putting on a YouTube video to be able to fall asleep and it is usually a documentary on volcanoes or some other disaster.

I also realized that I have been using melatonin, Benadryl, or a sip of cough syrup every night to go to sleep.   #confessions

 

I am fairly certain that this noise has been a contributing factor to my anxiety. 

My brain simply hasn’t had a chance to truly disconnect for a long time; toss in the extremely chaotic time we are living in it’s no wonder I’m a mess this week!

Last night I decided to make some changes.  It was surprisingly difficult to do it and it felt very uncomfortable.  I tossed and turned a LOT but I eventually fell asleep at some point. 

I probably only got a cumulative 4 hours of sleep but it has to start somewhere!

 

I will be shutting everything off at 9 pm and will read to wind down instead. It’s important for me to establish a healthier routine.

 

I will be heading out to my patio for self care in just a bit.  (taken this afternoon)

 

I want to take my camera and take a day drive this weekend.  I want to keep it a bit spontaneous so I’m not really planning anything. It will be a ‘the tank is full let’s see where the road leads us.” 

I usually do a summer photo shoot and haven’t really done that this year. I took a vacation to the Oregon Coast and shot a few but I’d like to post more than ocean waves and boats in a harbor lol.

                                  *obligatory ocean wave picture*

 

I’ve also been working on writing a bit.  It’s only a note to my outlines, or maybe a paragraph or two. 

 

I’m hoping that by reducing the noise around me I will be able to quiet some of my restlessness.

 

Are you more restless this year? Are you finding yourself hiding behind noise?  I’d love to hear how you are doing. 

We are in this together!

 

Until next time,

-R

 

Strength & Gratitude

***

"The strength of a woman is not measured by the impact that all her hardships in life have had on her; but the strength of a woman is measured by the extent of her refusal to allow those hardships to dictate her and who she becomes."  -C. JoyBell C.

 ***

Many times over the years several people have told me that I am strong.

I've had that said to me more in the last year  than in my entire life.  About three years ago I was directly affected by a suicide. Last year a friend who is closer than a sister was diagnosed with cancer (She's doing well today, thank God). I hung in there and prayed and worked through it

 The last three months have had things thrown at me at warp speed:  Two serious accidents in a week with my sister and brother-in-law. My primary physician died three weeks ago. Our parish priest died last Monday. Another provider almost died and spent a month in the hospital. Yet another good friend was diagnosed with cancer, and today a bestie told me there are some health things that are being looked in to-you get the idea. 

(It should be noted that I have unusual relationships with my providers-we have a much more personable relationship while staying within ethical boundaries-this explains why their deaths affected me so much.)

I can't forget to add the complexity of a pre-teen just starting to hit puberty and her own issues tossed into the mix, an adult child in crisis and refusing to recognize it, and some major  re-arranging of my social environment.

What is strength and what does it mean to be strong?

There are all kinds of cutesy memes and quotes about how amazing strong women are, but has anyone considered that some of them might just be weary and that piling extra on doesn't really affect them that much because they are already numb and can't feel the extra weight?

I wouldn't always call it being strong-sometimes I would call it going into survival mode. It just might be that  the appearance of being strong  in actuality is the act of locking down emotions because letting them out is would be too frightening of a prospect.  Some of this is applicable to me-automatic survival mode.

I was recently asked "How do you do it?"

While I don't know all the specifics of the workings of my mind I can share a couple of things.

What I can tell you is that I just take a moment at a time and concentrate on the next steps I need to take at any given moment and try not to deal with more that one of these events at a time.  I work very hard to keep it like that but there are many moments when it gets difficult. Compartmentalizing things can be exhausting in itself.

I listen to music-different genres and styles- and it really does help. Sometimes it helps me to name the emotion I'm feeling and begin the process of moving through it.

The people who know me in real  life have experienced watching me go through it at one time or another-I would call them strong for sticking by me when I get so intensely restless and emotional.

 I have a quirk that has irritated people for a long time and that's my "silver linings" view on life.  As crazy, sad, or chaotic things  get in a situation-mine or others-I can always find one or two silver linings in there somewhere.  It drives people nuts-especially when they want to just grieve whatever they are going through. I even irritate myself.

Often times I will be looking back on a situation and realize the weight of it is gone.  I'm okay. The pressure has lifted a bit. I've moved past the worst of it (still respecting the impact it's had on me). Other times I have to make a more conscience effort to step away from it and  regroup.

Somehow I  am able to pull some kind of something from deep within myself and get through things enough to come out alright on the other side. My faith is a big source of strength and the most important to me, but that's a post for another day.

What is gratitude?

As crazy as it might seem, I'm grateful that I have these things in my life once all is said and done because while they are painful, they have made me who I am today and I'm happy with who I am (plus or minus a few lbs, lol)

I want to say that I'm grateful for the friends and family  around me who tell me I'm strong.

Even if I don't exactly know what that means.

Until next time,

Robyn :)

The Ups and Downs of a Girl in Nutritional Crisis: Part Two

Well here we are again....with part two.  Hope part one wasn't too boring-just a glimpse into my chaotic relationship with myself, food, and life. :)

Without further adieu...

*******************************************************************************

February 21 · Edited

This is one of the most difficult posts I've had to make but it needs to be done here and done now. I'm feel like I'm running out of time, if that makes any sense. Bariatric surgery. Great results for some, not so great for others. Several people,including my SSI lawyer, have told me that it might be my only valid option to save my health at this point due to at my age and weight before something disastrous happens. If I were to do it, now would be the time as the longer I wait the more potential age-related complications are possible. Time to put it all on the table. *takes a deep breath* I turned 50 in Dec. 

My current weight is *** (Not brave enough to share that in this blog) lbs. as of yesterday. I was *** last week but I allowed stress eating to take me down. Sometimes I can literally feel my body fighting to function properly-especially after a big meal. Is it truly realistic and possible to lose the amount I need to lose to be healthy? (around *** lbs with a goal range of 155-175 lbs) I need to be here for my daughter and honestly am afraid that she will wake up one morning to find me dead. I can't stand the thought of it and frankly, I'd like to stick around for awhile.

The effects of all this stress on my body are becoming apparent and I'm really concerned. I know that no diet or medical intervention has the chance of being successful without a change in mindset. One of the biggest problems is that I'm just as afraid to have the surgery as I am if I don't. I'm in a catch 22 exercise-wise. The more I try and move the more I hurt and have to stop. I'm frustrated beyond belief and feel horrible that my 10 yr old feels that she has to take care of me. It can't continue. I would really appreciate your honest input. Please be kind.

March 3 at 8:40pm · Edited

Mariah and I went out to eat and while we did have salad/soup first we still ate too much and the guilt started to creep in. I looked at Mariah as we were leaving and ask how she felt about going to the Kroc. She said "let's go walk!" She walked 12 laps ( a mile) and I am proud to say that I did a whole 15 minutes (1/4 mile!) on the treadmill. Followed by 45 minutes in Costco. Followed by 30 minutes at Freddy's. I'm very sore and very tired. And very proud of myself and proud of Mariah. We talked about it and plan to walk 3-4 times a week.

March 8 at 8:36pm

What a nice day this was! We slept in REALLY late but still managed to run a few errands. We made it to the Kroc since we skipped yesterday. Mariah wanted a change and hit the exercise bike in the youth area, and I tried a different treadmill on the main level. I did 25 minutes and 1/3 mile! I started nice and slow for about 5 minutes and increased my speed for about 7 minutes and then slowed back down for the rest. I'm starting to sense that I can do a bit more as long as I'm careful. How was YOUR Sunday?

March 17 at 11:47pm

I'm feeling kind of down-I'd hoped we'd have a bit more activity on the page. It's starting to look like an online diary, lol. unsure emoticon The Diary of a Crazy but Cool Cat Lady...

Robyn Anderson

March 23 at 11:59am

Started PT last week in the pool and the hardest thing? Coming out of the pool as gravity kicks in and the effort to move tripled. I was horrified that I almost couldn't make it up the stairs! Today I woke up determined to work hard. I have to do something-I know I've been saying that, and it's been true each time. This time I left the pool a bit at a time. It took about 5 minutes but it was much easier to do it that way. So far I'm following the goals I set for myself this morning. It's just not possible to even set goals for two days. I'm going to try a day at a time. Also made the decision to do the Cabbage Soup /Sacred Heart Diet to get my body jump-started. Its not the healthiest and I realize it going it, but at my weight, anything that starts the process is fine by me.

 I have to wait until the first but I'm only planning to do it for a week and see how it goes-I'm thinking one week on, one week off as was suggested earlier. I can't move like I need to without doing something more aggressive diet-wise. It's the only real success I've had in the past but it needs to be followed up with a continued exercise/lifestyle change or it will come back-I'd not had the follow through. If anyone is interested in the particular soup/plan I use I will gladly share.

 ***DISCLAIMER*** Always check with your doctor to make sure this one is okay, due to the nature of how it works-especially if you take medication or have medical conditions. I got the green light from mine. smile emotico


n

********************************************************************************************************

I've had one h*ll of a week. My primary care doctor died 4 days ago. My secondary doc has been hospitalized for 4 weeks and was supposed to be released last Friday.  It seems like life is throwing every thing it can to dislodge me.  I've got me feet dug in for the fight-today anyway-and am just going to try and hang in there.  I'm not sure there's much else I can do.

RIP doc-you were the most amazing, kind, and gentle doctor I've ever known. :)

I hope you haven't found my diary of sorts too boring.  It's an honest look into a part of my life that I've struggled with.   There were several excerpts not listed but that's strictly due to the persons mentioned in it, lol. (some who are reading this blog, you know who you are-stay strong!) 

 Thus concludes part two.  I'm hoping Part Three won't be needed.  Where I'm at today is simplifying.  Being kinder to myself. Focusing on the positive. I'm not ignoring the negative, I'm trying not to punish myself for it. 

Sorry this one wasn't longer, but the intensity should make up for that.  See you soon! 

Always,

Robyn :)

Growing Pains

The Journey

My  21 year old daughter is gearing up for a move across the country in a little over a week to live with a friend and her parents.  I'm at odds with this. On one hand I'm excited for her. She needs to be on her own, living life, and having a myriad of new experiences. I'm reminded of myself at that time.

On the other hand, I'm an emotional and slightly fearful parent. Okay I confess, a really fearful parent. I want to call everyone and make sure safety measures are in place at every stop in her journey. Maybe if I text NSA keywords to her cell phone she might have extra eyes watching over her.  Sure she moved out of my house a year ago, but she lived locally. 

My baby is leaving home-really leaving home. 

I was talking with a neighbor who also has a similar situation with her daughters. (large age gap) Her older daughter moved away to college and decided to stay there for the summer and work and won't be coming home, so we are effectively in the same parental boat. The issue we are both facing is trying not to assault the younger ones with maternal suffocation.

How do you let go?     

While I am worried I am also excited for her. I remembered my first solo journey at 11 from California to visit my aunt and uncle in Oregon via Greyhound. It was one of the best trips of my life and the pivotal moment when I realized a gypsy lived inside of me.  I met a real live hippie. It was most awesome. He was worried about me being on the bus by myself. That's a story for another time. (I sure seem to have a lot of those.)

Checked in and ready to go!

Looking back- I am now writing this a week after she left.

 I can honestly say that the anticipation was worse than the actual leaving.  I waited for the tears that everyone said would inevitably fall as she finished packing. When we drove in to Spokane to the bus station. When we drove home.  The first few days after she was gone. They didn't come. 

Don't get me wrong, my heart tugged and I knew I would miss her. And I do.

We made it to the bus station in plenty of time and she got checked in. With a stroke of luck her dad and his girlfriend made it down to see her off. (This was most epic for Lynn)  He got teary a few times but recognized she was grown up and this step is much needed for her.

Last hugs with dad

As she walked out to the bus I felt a sense of pride and excitement.  In one moment it hit me: 

My girl is a grown woman.

Mariah on the other hand had a rougher time of it.  She had many tears and was a bit inconsolable watching sister get on the bus. She's doing much better now.

Putting on a brave face.

The great thing about the time we live in is the advantage of social media.  She texted and messaged me along her journey and she had a great one!  She got lucky and had the new buses that have wi-fi. She shared the people she met, the things she thought and her excitement was contagious.

Of course the first bus stop she had was down the road from our house.  So we raced behind the bus and went across the street from her stop to get ice cream. I went stealth and snapped a pic and texted it to her.  Really. I even posted a pic of it somewhere but I can't find it....

I find myself having moments wondering if the shoe will drop and I will break down

in epic fashion.  I think it would be much different if I didn't speak with her daily or have such an open line of communication. She's even Skyped with Mariah twice and that's been a very good thing.

Lynn (who prefers to go by Jae) is already sharing how she's quickly making new friends and doing what she needs to do to get settled.  I'm looking forward to watching her take these steps in a life that is truly her own.

I just hope she remembers that as her mom I will randomly state motherly things. It's part of the job. We decided to say 'See you later' instead of 'Goodbye.' 

Namaste, my girl.                                

My and my Ladybug