Dear Blog, I missed you.

Has it really been FIVE MONTHS since my last post?  I must remedy this with a post or two! I've actually been pretty busy on Facebook  as an admin on a couple of pages and I started a 'healthy hangout' group for myself and others to compare notes, be comrades in misery, and cheer leaders  for those times when we want to wallow in said misery.

I talked about the fact that I was going to be transparent and what I will do is start from about a month ago and fill in  from there. Here is the Reader's Digest version-my basic posts  from other pages....consider it a digital diary of sorts.
It's not always going to be a pleasant read, but it's real.


NOTE: posts have been edited for time, rambling, and to protect some aspects of privacy. :)

Jan 18, 2015

Ask: Most of you know that I am very overweight and want to do something about it. Looking over the options that would work for me at the moment, I've decided that juicing will be a good first step. I would love a juicier-nothing fancy, just something to help me started my journey to wellness.It would also help my daughter with some healthy choices. I'm not picky, I'd just like something that works, and possibly has the instructions so I know how to take care of it.  ‪
( About 15 minutes later a friend saw my post and gave me a Magic Bullet mixer)

Later that day. UPDATE: I made my first smoothie today using some carb count yogurt, frozen blueberries, water and some v8 natural splash. (It's what I had on hand). It tasted pretty great and Mariah had most of it. I'm getting pretty excited and will be contacting you guys for tips. How would you feel if I started a page for those of us who want to do the healthy thing?

Jan 24, 2015  The group is created

Page intro:

About me: I'm an older single mom of two girls. The youngest is at home and struggles with her weight as well. We need to make major lifestyle changes and it has to start with me so I can set the example for her.

I want to create new lifestyle habits for both of us. I've heard so much about juicing and smoothies that I thought that would be a great place to start. I could do any number of 'diets' (and have done most of them) to lose weight quickly but it's not what I'm looking for.

Thanks, everyone! 

Let's do this!

Jan 27 2015- A surprise! 

Okay I had an amazing experience today. As you know my friend gave me a Magic Bullet so I could make smoothies. I was really interested in checking out some juicing as well. A page member read my post over on the **** site and pm'd me privately asking if I would like a dedicated juicer! I met with her and brought it home and made some juice right away. I LOVED it. Another step on my journey!

Later that day: ***** ***** mentioned starting a walking group. I would love to do that when my stamina gets up. I was doing some online Denise Austin stuff-mostly stepping to the music but I have to go slow and really start from the ground up. I was appalled that I couldn't even keep up with the stepping. That's when I knew I had to do something and began thinking about taking my journey public. I've always done it privately and it was a very lonely path to take.

(taking it public referencing my past post on this blog)

Feb 1, 2015 

Reality says hello

Today was an interesting day-first day out in a long time that kept me away from home for most of the day. Went over to *********  (the state line)  and my older daughter wanted to take her friends to ******* Hamburgers. Anyone-well almost anyone who has been there knows it's greasy crack in all its glory.

I got a smaller version of what I regularly get, still allowing a splurge and I had to stop eating it. It was way to greasy and I didn't feel so hot after I finished what I did eat. McDonald's makes me feel this way too, most of the time. So I mourned the loss of my ***name of signature burger***, large fry, and six tartar sauces.
I'm attributing it to the new changes healing my body even more. While it's kind of a bummer, it's also really cool! I must be doing something right!

Feb 10 2015

I'm pretty excited and wanted to share with you. A few months ago a friend shared about a guy who takes bikes, working or not, and has them refurbished. He gives them to those in need and I was fortunate to be able to give him 3 bikes and some spare tires. I've been wanting to try and ride again but as big as I am I can't just go get an average bike and hop on without impaling myself or squishing the bike. (gotta be truthful).

I messaged him and shared what I was looking for. He is very excited and it's become his mission to help me. I told him my first goal was to ride around my complex once and work up to riding on one of the trails around here. He knows I have a tight budget and would need to do layaway or make payments. He is as excited as I am and I'm looking forward to what he can come up with. 

Feb 15 2015

This morning I find myself at odds with life, lol. I had all these glorious plans for juicing and smoothies and all would be wonderful and any extra things I needed would fall from the sky, lol. Things don't often work out that way. frown emoticon So as much as I wanted to do a 100% completely healthy food lifestyle that's just not going to be possible-reality kicked in, lol. What it means is that I'm going to revamp things so we can still work toward health while dealing with typical food items. I'm good for this month and have a bit extra but I won't be able to afford to keep doing it. I'm not giving up though, I just need to make some adjustments to my plans.‪

Feb 21 2015

Diets. Most if not all of us have tried one at some point. What's the one you've had the most success with? What's the strangest one you have tried? Which have been a complete disaster? Do you like plans that are specifically laid out or ones that are more 'free form' and let you design your own? More importantly, what have you been able to learn from all of them? Let's have a conversation! (If you aren't comfortable discussing these kinds of things I respect that.)

Note: The comments on that post were very eye opening

Feb 21 2015  Crisis approaching

This is one of the most difficult posts I've had to make but it needs to be done here and done now. I'm feel like I'm running out of time, if that makes any sense. Bariatric surgery. Great results for some, not so great for others. Several people,including my SSI lawyer, have told me that it might be my only valid option to save my health at this point due to at my age and weight before something disastrous happens. If I were to do it, now would be the time as the longer I wait the more potential age-related complications are possible. Time to put it all on the table. *takes a deep breath* I turned 50  in Dec. My current weight is ****lbs. as of yesterday. I was *** last week but I allowed stress eating to take me down.

 Sometimes I can literally feel my body fighting to function properly-especially after a big meal. Is it truly realistic and possible to lose the amount I need to lose to be healthy? (around 200-230 lbs with a goal range of ***-*** lbs).  I need to be here for my daughter and honestly am afraid that she will wake up one morning to find me dead. I can't stand the thought of it and frankly, I'd like to stick around for awhile. The effects of all this stress on my body are becoming apparent and I'm really concerned. I know that no diet or medical intervention has the chance of being successful without a change in mindset. One of the biggest problems is that I'm just as afraid to have the surgery as I am if I don't. I'm in a catch 22 exercise-wise. The more I try and move the more I hurt and have to stop. I'm frustrated beyond belief and feel horrible that my 10 yr old feels that she has to take care of me. It can't continue. I would really appreciate your honest input. Please be kind.

Just  a basic hint at the body stuff I'm dealing with. 

 ********************

Lots of personal trials compounded by the trials of those happening to those around me.  The point of all of this? 

Time to pick myself up and get moving again.

Physical journeys.

Spiritual journeys. 

 I. AM. STILL. HERE.

Welcome Back :)

Montana Camping 2014 Day Two

Yep, it was a long night. I think I slept a total of  three hours. It will be a simple fix.

On cue Mariah asked to go shopping.  The zombie shopping virus took over.   Must...shop...must...badger...mom...until...she...caves...

I was weak and caved. In my defense it was a really strong zombie virus. The zombie came back with a green bandana that she wore for the rest of the trip.

Note said green bandana

Since I had the brilliant idea of camping during a heat wave we had to go to Libby for ice. As soon as we entered, the sky opened up and the heavens sang. There before us was the Deli To End All Delis.  And the Best. Bakery. Ever.   We came out with a whole bunch more than we'd planned to get (hey, we are on vacation, right?) Let me tell you we savored every bite of that epic yuminess.

I had an apple fritter but I LOVED the ants on watermelon cookies!

We decided to try Ross Creek Cedars this trip since we had been denied by the ice in May.  There was a spot of road construction on the way but not too bad, (Little did I know the construction horror that awaited us later.)

Note: The guy driving the Corvette was very impatient.

We made it up the narrow road with no problems. I have an irrational fear of meeting another car and having to back down the mountain to a pull out-the road is that narrow. The parking lot was busy. I wasn't pleased-yes, I'm selfish that way-especially when it's a place I love so much.

This is one narrow road!

The creeks were low but nice. There is a trail that I started to walk with Kaley and Mariah but I had to stop right after we got started. Talk about embarrassing.  I told them to go on and went back to the car. Took a few shots and sat in the car frustrated.

Mariah playing in one of the creeks.

They came back a few minutes later and told me that there were benches along the way and I decided I NEEDED to do this.  I grabbed my cane and we were off.  It was so worth it.  The trees were amazing; some were hollow and you could climb inside of them. Mariah was afraid at first but climbed in with some encouragement.  She was so proud of herself!

Squeezing in.

She did it!

Took a quick break and met Gracie, a Catahoula leopard dog. She is absolutely gorgeous but a bit shy.  

Gracie

The lighting was strange and I forgot to use my polarizing filter but it wasn't a total fail. I did get a nice panoramic shot of the Cabinet Mountains on our way down.

Cabinet Mountain Range

We went back to camp and I sat in the shade and read a book. I moved the beds around before it got dark and was looking forward to a decent night's sleep.

We had a 'one log' fire that night. Vera ( owner's daughter) brought Mariah twigs for kindling, which she happily accepted.  The fire burned  high so I tossed water on it. I told Mariah that I wasn't interesting in burning the forest down so we would save the wood for another camping trip.

Tiki came over to visit with Mariah and take her nightly walk.

Oh wait-I never told you about Tiki!

Remember when I thought that the deer was a good omen? 

We met Tiki last night before going to bed. She belongs to a couple traveling the country in their ginormous RV from Florida. Her owner walks her nightly on a leash and it was love at first sight for Mariah.  Tiki had a thing for her as well. Tiki is a five month old Main Coon mix and one of the sweetest things I've ever seen. The key would be to keep Mariah from invading their space too much. It turned out to be no problem at all.

Tiki-what a gorgeous girl! Very sweet, too.

Went to bed and sank into blissful oblivion in my nest of blankets....and mocked the tree root that no longer had power over me...and I  mocked the rock that was next to it as well.

Thus ends Day Two.

Until next time,

Robyn :)

P.S. Enjoy a few more photos from the day's adventure!

A small island.

 

I loved the reflection 

 

A tree had been struck by lighting many years ago.  Names are etched all over this log.

Another tree that had been struck by lightning

This was such a peaceful place. 

Growing Pains

The Journey

My  21 year old daughter is gearing up for a move across the country in a little over a week to live with a friend and her parents.  I'm at odds with this. On one hand I'm excited for her. She needs to be on her own, living life, and having a myriad of new experiences. I'm reminded of myself at that time.

On the other hand, I'm an emotional and slightly fearful parent. Okay I confess, a really fearful parent. I want to call everyone and make sure safety measures are in place at every stop in her journey. Maybe if I text NSA keywords to her cell phone she might have extra eyes watching over her.  Sure she moved out of my house a year ago, but she lived locally. 

My baby is leaving home-really leaving home. 

I was talking with a neighbor who also has a similar situation with her daughters. (large age gap) Her older daughter moved away to college and decided to stay there for the summer and work and won't be coming home, so we are effectively in the same parental boat. The issue we are both facing is trying not to assault the younger ones with maternal suffocation.

How do you let go?     

While I am worried I am also excited for her. I remembered my first solo journey at 11 from California to visit my aunt and uncle in Oregon via Greyhound. It was one of the best trips of my life and the pivotal moment when I realized a gypsy lived inside of me.  I met a real live hippie. It was most awesome. He was worried about me being on the bus by myself. That's a story for another time. (I sure seem to have a lot of those.)

Checked in and ready to go!

Looking back- I am now writing this a week after she left.

 I can honestly say that the anticipation was worse than the actual leaving.  I waited for the tears that everyone said would inevitably fall as she finished packing. When we drove in to Spokane to the bus station. When we drove home.  The first few days after she was gone. They didn't come. 

Don't get me wrong, my heart tugged and I knew I would miss her. And I do.

We made it to the bus station in plenty of time and she got checked in. With a stroke of luck her dad and his girlfriend made it down to see her off. (This was most epic for Lynn)  He got teary a few times but recognized she was grown up and this step is much needed for her.

Last hugs with dad

As she walked out to the bus I felt a sense of pride and excitement.  In one moment it hit me: 

My girl is a grown woman.

Mariah on the other hand had a rougher time of it.  She had many tears and was a bit inconsolable watching sister get on the bus. She's doing much better now.

Putting on a brave face.

The great thing about the time we live in is the advantage of social media.  She texted and messaged me along her journey and she had a great one!  She got lucky and had the new buses that have wi-fi. She shared the people she met, the things she thought and her excitement was contagious.

Of course the first bus stop she had was down the road from our house.  So we raced behind the bus and went across the street from her stop to get ice cream. I went stealth and snapped a pic and texted it to her.  Really. I even posted a pic of it somewhere but I can't find it....

I find myself having moments wondering if the shoe will drop and I will break down

in epic fashion.  I think it would be much different if I didn't speak with her daily or have such an open line of communication. She's even Skyped with Mariah twice and that's been a very good thing.

Lynn (who prefers to go by Jae) is already sharing how she's quickly making new friends and doing what she needs to do to get settled.  I'm looking forward to watching her take these steps in a life that is truly her own.

I just hope she remembers that as her mom I will randomly state motherly things. It's part of the job. We decided to say 'See you later' instead of 'Goodbye.' 

Namaste, my girl.                                

My and my Ladybug

Summertime Blues

If you are a parent you can relate to most of these, especially if you have an uber creative child who sees the world differently.  This is a basic synopsis of my daily routine. Every. Day. I would like to note that there is usually a 10-20 minute gap between the first statement/question and the response.

Mom, I made you breakfast.

What do you mean, broccoli and carrots with mustard aren't breakfast foods?

Mom, I'm bored.

I don't want to go the store and get a treat, I'm busy.

Mom, will you take me swimming?

 There's nobody here to swim with,  I want to go home.

Mom can I have a sleep over?

They are all stupid and we won't ever be friends again.

Mom, there's nothing to do.

But I don't want to play with my friends, ride my bike, play the computer, go swimming, watch TV, play the PS/2, or have a picnic.

Mom there's nothing to eat.

But I don't want a sandwich, fruit, veggies, milk, crackers, cereal, or a TV dinner.

Mom can I make an experiment in the kitchen?                  

But mom,  if I mix jelly and honey and lemon juice and ketchup I can dip my apples in it and I will eat it all.

Mom, I made and experiment, come and see.

Isn't it neat how I mixed the flower petals and fresh herbs with honey and vinegar? (in the tiny vase that no brush will ever reach)

Mom, I have found a moth for the bug house.

It loves me and is my best friend.

                          Mom, the moth died so now I have a roly-poly the bug house.

                           It loves me and is my best friend

  

                                                   Mom I need to get a lady bug for the bug house.

                                                   It will be best friends with the roly-poly

Mom, you promised to take me swimming.

I don't want to go swimming. I'm bored.

 

                                                                      Mom, can I play on the computer?

                                                                       I want to go swimming. I'm bored.

Mom, can I play the PS/2?

But I want to watch Netflix

Mom, watch me beat the (random bad guy). It will only take a second.

Watch every level I've completed to get to this point first.

 Mom, can we team up and play the computer game?

I want to play by myself.

Mom,  I don't want to go to my room.

I'm not coming out, I'm playing.

Mom, I don't want to go and help you water the garden.

I don't want to leave. I want to stay here and harvest my strawberries.

Parental summer survival is a tricky thing. It requires the patience of a Zen master, the ingenuity of a rocket scientist, the stamina of a triathlon competitor, and the communication skills of a hostage negotiator.

The aliens are no longer held in check by the threat of the education system and are free to roam for three months.  They are happy to control children's bodies and wreak havoc within a family unit. Or anyone in close proximity.  In multiple dimensions.

How does one survive this onslaught? It varies from family to family, but in my house it generally requires quick thinking, great patience, and the most valuable words known to parents:

Go Play 

To Mariah's credit she only had one major meltdown during our vacation and only one or two various meltdowns over the summer so far.  

I don't know whether to be relieved or to start battening down the hatches and up my renters insurance for the possible random emotional storm that may or may not happen.  

Kaley has taken up refuge in her room for the most part and is prepared for an extended siege.

In other news, I'm gearing for a day trip, possibly an overnight if I can work it into the budget. I've decided to plan specifically to include Mariah since she is starting to show some real interest in my extra camera. Of course her pictures aren't always what you'd expect and she prefers video to still shots. Many of her videos cause motion sickness, but being the good parent I am, watch every single one. 

Funds aren't necessarily abundant in my universe so I'm also finding things around town to do. There is a new park/splash pad right next to the library which is absolutely brilliant.

I will do my best to navigate the summer waters and come out unscathed, and relati---

Hey Mom, guess what I just made for my new neighbors? It's really cool! I took rocks and made them a mini fire pit on the sidewalk. It only took ten minutes. They really like it and said it made their day.

God help me.

Until next time,

Robyn