Strength & Gratitude

***

"The strength of a woman is not measured by the impact that all her hardships in life have had on her; but the strength of a woman is measured by the extent of her refusal to allow those hardships to dictate her and who she becomes."  -C. JoyBell C.

 ***

Many times over the years several people have told me that I am strong.

I've had that said to me more in the last year  than in my entire life.  About three years ago I was directly affected by a suicide. Last year a friend who is closer than a sister was diagnosed with cancer (She's doing well today, thank God). I hung in there and prayed and worked through it

 The last three months have had things thrown at me at warp speed:  Two serious accidents in a week with my sister and brother-in-law. My primary physician died three weeks ago. Our parish priest died last Monday. Another provider almost died and spent a month in the hospital. Yet another good friend was diagnosed with cancer, and today a bestie told me there are some health things that are being looked in to-you get the idea. 

(It should be noted that I have unusual relationships with my providers-we have a much more personable relationship while staying within ethical boundaries-this explains why their deaths affected me so much.)

I can't forget to add the complexity of a pre-teen just starting to hit puberty and her own issues tossed into the mix, an adult child in crisis and refusing to recognize it, and some major  re-arranging of my social environment.

What is strength and what does it mean to be strong?

There are all kinds of cutesy memes and quotes about how amazing strong women are, but has anyone considered that some of them might just be weary and that piling extra on doesn't really affect them that much because they are already numb and can't feel the extra weight?

I wouldn't always call it being strong-sometimes I would call it going into survival mode. It just might be that  the appearance of being strong  in actuality is the act of locking down emotions because letting them out is would be too frightening of a prospect.  Some of this is applicable to me-automatic survival mode.

I was recently asked "How do you do it?"

While I don't know all the specifics of the workings of my mind I can share a couple of things.

What I can tell you is that I just take a moment at a time and concentrate on the next steps I need to take at any given moment and try not to deal with more that one of these events at a time.  I work very hard to keep it like that but there are many moments when it gets difficult. Compartmentalizing things can be exhausting in itself.

I listen to music-different genres and styles- and it really does help. Sometimes it helps me to name the emotion I'm feeling and begin the process of moving through it.

The people who know me in real  life have experienced watching me go through it at one time or another-I would call them strong for sticking by me when I get so intensely restless and emotional.

 I have a quirk that has irritated people for a long time and that's my "silver linings" view on life.  As crazy, sad, or chaotic things  get in a situation-mine or others-I can always find one or two silver linings in there somewhere.  It drives people nuts-especially when they want to just grieve whatever they are going through. I even irritate myself.

Often times I will be looking back on a situation and realize the weight of it is gone.  I'm okay. The pressure has lifted a bit. I've moved past the worst of it (still respecting the impact it's had on me). Other times I have to make a more conscience effort to step away from it and  regroup.

Somehow I  am able to pull some kind of something from deep within myself and get through things enough to come out alright on the other side. My faith is a big source of strength and the most important to me, but that's a post for another day.

What is gratitude?

As crazy as it might seem, I'm grateful that I have these things in my life once all is said and done because while they are painful, they have made me who I am today and I'm happy with who I am (plus or minus a few lbs, lol)

I want to say that I'm grateful for the friends and family  around me who tell me I'm strong.

Even if I don't exactly know what that means.

Until next time,

Robyn :)

The Ups and Downs of a Girl in Nutritional Crisis: Part Two

Well here we are again....with part two.  Hope part one wasn't too boring-just a glimpse into my chaotic relationship with myself, food, and life. :)

Without further adieu...

*******************************************************************************

February 21 · Edited

This is one of the most difficult posts I've had to make but it needs to be done here and done now. I'm feel like I'm running out of time, if that makes any sense. Bariatric surgery. Great results for some, not so great for others. Several people,including my SSI lawyer, have told me that it might be my only valid option to save my health at this point due to at my age and weight before something disastrous happens. If I were to do it, now would be the time as the longer I wait the more potential age-related complications are possible. Time to put it all on the table. *takes a deep breath* I turned 50 in Dec. 

My current weight is *** (Not brave enough to share that in this blog) lbs. as of yesterday. I was *** last week but I allowed stress eating to take me down. Sometimes I can literally feel my body fighting to function properly-especially after a big meal. Is it truly realistic and possible to lose the amount I need to lose to be healthy? (around *** lbs with a goal range of 155-175 lbs) I need to be here for my daughter and honestly am afraid that she will wake up one morning to find me dead. I can't stand the thought of it and frankly, I'd like to stick around for awhile.

The effects of all this stress on my body are becoming apparent and I'm really concerned. I know that no diet or medical intervention has the chance of being successful without a change in mindset. One of the biggest problems is that I'm just as afraid to have the surgery as I am if I don't. I'm in a catch 22 exercise-wise. The more I try and move the more I hurt and have to stop. I'm frustrated beyond belief and feel horrible that my 10 yr old feels that she has to take care of me. It can't continue. I would really appreciate your honest input. Please be kind.

March 3 at 8:40pm · Edited

Mariah and I went out to eat and while we did have salad/soup first we still ate too much and the guilt started to creep in. I looked at Mariah as we were leaving and ask how she felt about going to the Kroc. She said "let's go walk!" She walked 12 laps ( a mile) and I am proud to say that I did a whole 15 minutes (1/4 mile!) on the treadmill. Followed by 45 minutes in Costco. Followed by 30 minutes at Freddy's. I'm very sore and very tired. And very proud of myself and proud of Mariah. We talked about it and plan to walk 3-4 times a week.

March 8 at 8:36pm

What a nice day this was! We slept in REALLY late but still managed to run a few errands. We made it to the Kroc since we skipped yesterday. Mariah wanted a change and hit the exercise bike in the youth area, and I tried a different treadmill on the main level. I did 25 minutes and 1/3 mile! I started nice and slow for about 5 minutes and increased my speed for about 7 minutes and then slowed back down for the rest. I'm starting to sense that I can do a bit more as long as I'm careful. How was YOUR Sunday?

March 17 at 11:47pm

I'm feeling kind of down-I'd hoped we'd have a bit more activity on the page. It's starting to look like an online diary, lol. unsure emoticon The Diary of a Crazy but Cool Cat Lady...

Robyn Anderson

March 23 at 11:59am

Started PT last week in the pool and the hardest thing? Coming out of the pool as gravity kicks in and the effort to move tripled. I was horrified that I almost couldn't make it up the stairs! Today I woke up determined to work hard. I have to do something-I know I've been saying that, and it's been true each time. This time I left the pool a bit at a time. It took about 5 minutes but it was much easier to do it that way. So far I'm following the goals I set for myself this morning. It's just not possible to even set goals for two days. I'm going to try a day at a time. Also made the decision to do the Cabbage Soup /Sacred Heart Diet to get my body jump-started. Its not the healthiest and I realize it going it, but at my weight, anything that starts the process is fine by me.

 I have to wait until the first but I'm only planning to do it for a week and see how it goes-I'm thinking one week on, one week off as was suggested earlier. I can't move like I need to without doing something more aggressive diet-wise. It's the only real success I've had in the past but it needs to be followed up with a continued exercise/lifestyle change or it will come back-I'd not had the follow through. If anyone is interested in the particular soup/plan I use I will gladly share.

 ***DISCLAIMER*** Always check with your doctor to make sure this one is okay, due to the nature of how it works-especially if you take medication or have medical conditions. I got the green light from mine. smile emotico


n

********************************************************************************************************

I've had one h*ll of a week. My primary care doctor died 4 days ago. My secondary doc has been hospitalized for 4 weeks and was supposed to be released last Friday.  It seems like life is throwing every thing it can to dislodge me.  I've got me feet dug in for the fight-today anyway-and am just going to try and hang in there.  I'm not sure there's much else I can do.

RIP doc-you were the most amazing, kind, and gentle doctor I've ever known. :)

I hope you haven't found my diary of sorts too boring.  It's an honest look into a part of my life that I've struggled with.   There were several excerpts not listed but that's strictly due to the persons mentioned in it, lol. (some who are reading this blog, you know who you are-stay strong!) 

 Thus concludes part two.  I'm hoping Part Three won't be needed.  Where I'm at today is simplifying.  Being kinder to myself. Focusing on the positive. I'm not ignoring the negative, I'm trying not to punish myself for it. 

Sorry this one wasn't longer, but the intensity should make up for that.  See you soon! 

Always,

Robyn :)

Dear Blog, I missed you.

Has it really been FIVE MONTHS since my last post?  I must remedy this with a post or two! I've actually been pretty busy on Facebook  as an admin on a couple of pages and I started a 'healthy hangout' group for myself and others to compare notes, be comrades in misery, and cheer leaders  for those times when we want to wallow in said misery.

I talked about the fact that I was going to be transparent and what I will do is start from about a month ago and fill in  from there. Here is the Reader's Digest version-my basic posts  from other pages....consider it a digital diary of sorts.
It's not always going to be a pleasant read, but it's real.


NOTE: posts have been edited for time, rambling, and to protect some aspects of privacy. :)

Jan 18, 2015

Ask: Most of you know that I am very overweight and want to do something about it. Looking over the options that would work for me at the moment, I've decided that juicing will be a good first step. I would love a juicier-nothing fancy, just something to help me started my journey to wellness.It would also help my daughter with some healthy choices. I'm not picky, I'd just like something that works, and possibly has the instructions so I know how to take care of it.  ‪
( About 15 minutes later a friend saw my post and gave me a Magic Bullet mixer)

Later that day. UPDATE: I made my first smoothie today using some carb count yogurt, frozen blueberries, water and some v8 natural splash. (It's what I had on hand). It tasted pretty great and Mariah had most of it. I'm getting pretty excited and will be contacting you guys for tips. How would you feel if I started a page for those of us who want to do the healthy thing?

Jan 24, 2015  The group is created

Page intro:

About me: I'm an older single mom of two girls. The youngest is at home and struggles with her weight as well. We need to make major lifestyle changes and it has to start with me so I can set the example for her.

I want to create new lifestyle habits for both of us. I've heard so much about juicing and smoothies that I thought that would be a great place to start. I could do any number of 'diets' (and have done most of them) to lose weight quickly but it's not what I'm looking for.

Thanks, everyone! 

Let's do this!

Jan 27 2015- A surprise! 

Okay I had an amazing experience today. As you know my friend gave me a Magic Bullet so I could make smoothies. I was really interested in checking out some juicing as well. A page member read my post over on the **** site and pm'd me privately asking if I would like a dedicated juicer! I met with her and brought it home and made some juice right away. I LOVED it. Another step on my journey!

Later that day: ***** ***** mentioned starting a walking group. I would love to do that when my stamina gets up. I was doing some online Denise Austin stuff-mostly stepping to the music but I have to go slow and really start from the ground up. I was appalled that I couldn't even keep up with the stepping. That's when I knew I had to do something and began thinking about taking my journey public. I've always done it privately and it was a very lonely path to take.

(taking it public referencing my past post on this blog)

Feb 1, 2015 

Reality says hello

Today was an interesting day-first day out in a long time that kept me away from home for most of the day. Went over to *********  (the state line)  and my older daughter wanted to take her friends to ******* Hamburgers. Anyone-well almost anyone who has been there knows it's greasy crack in all its glory.

I got a smaller version of what I regularly get, still allowing a splurge and I had to stop eating it. It was way to greasy and I didn't feel so hot after I finished what I did eat. McDonald's makes me feel this way too, most of the time. So I mourned the loss of my ***name of signature burger***, large fry, and six tartar sauces.
I'm attributing it to the new changes healing my body even more. While it's kind of a bummer, it's also really cool! I must be doing something right!

Feb 10 2015

I'm pretty excited and wanted to share with you. A few months ago a friend shared about a guy who takes bikes, working or not, and has them refurbished. He gives them to those in need and I was fortunate to be able to give him 3 bikes and some spare tires. I've been wanting to try and ride again but as big as I am I can't just go get an average bike and hop on without impaling myself or squishing the bike. (gotta be truthful).

I messaged him and shared what I was looking for. He is very excited and it's become his mission to help me. I told him my first goal was to ride around my complex once and work up to riding on one of the trails around here. He knows I have a tight budget and would need to do layaway or make payments. He is as excited as I am and I'm looking forward to what he can come up with. 

Feb 15 2015

This morning I find myself at odds with life, lol. I had all these glorious plans for juicing and smoothies and all would be wonderful and any extra things I needed would fall from the sky, lol. Things don't often work out that way. frown emoticon So as much as I wanted to do a 100% completely healthy food lifestyle that's just not going to be possible-reality kicked in, lol. What it means is that I'm going to revamp things so we can still work toward health while dealing with typical food items. I'm good for this month and have a bit extra but I won't be able to afford to keep doing it. I'm not giving up though, I just need to make some adjustments to my plans.‪

Feb 21 2015

Diets. Most if not all of us have tried one at some point. What's the one you've had the most success with? What's the strangest one you have tried? Which have been a complete disaster? Do you like plans that are specifically laid out or ones that are more 'free form' and let you design your own? More importantly, what have you been able to learn from all of them? Let's have a conversation! (If you aren't comfortable discussing these kinds of things I respect that.)

Note: The comments on that post were very eye opening

Feb 21 2015  Crisis approaching

This is one of the most difficult posts I've had to make but it needs to be done here and done now. I'm feel like I'm running out of time, if that makes any sense. Bariatric surgery. Great results for some, not so great for others. Several people,including my SSI lawyer, have told me that it might be my only valid option to save my health at this point due to at my age and weight before something disastrous happens. If I were to do it, now would be the time as the longer I wait the more potential age-related complications are possible. Time to put it all on the table. *takes a deep breath* I turned 50  in Dec. My current weight is ****lbs. as of yesterday. I was *** last week but I allowed stress eating to take me down.

 Sometimes I can literally feel my body fighting to function properly-especially after a big meal. Is it truly realistic and possible to lose the amount I need to lose to be healthy? (around 200-230 lbs with a goal range of ***-*** lbs).  I need to be here for my daughter and honestly am afraid that she will wake up one morning to find me dead. I can't stand the thought of it and frankly, I'd like to stick around for awhile. The effects of all this stress on my body are becoming apparent and I'm really concerned. I know that no diet or medical intervention has the chance of being successful without a change in mindset. One of the biggest problems is that I'm just as afraid to have the surgery as I am if I don't. I'm in a catch 22 exercise-wise. The more I try and move the more I hurt and have to stop. I'm frustrated beyond belief and feel horrible that my 10 yr old feels that she has to take care of me. It can't continue. I would really appreciate your honest input. Please be kind.

Just  a basic hint at the body stuff I'm dealing with. 

 ********************

Lots of personal trials compounded by the trials of those happening to those around me.  The point of all of this? 

Time to pick myself up and get moving again.

Physical journeys.

Spiritual journeys. 

 I. AM. STILL. HERE.

Welcome Back :)

Growing Pains

The Journey

My  21 year old daughter is gearing up for a move across the country in a little over a week to live with a friend and her parents.  I'm at odds with this. On one hand I'm excited for her. She needs to be on her own, living life, and having a myriad of new experiences. I'm reminded of myself at that time.

On the other hand, I'm an emotional and slightly fearful parent. Okay I confess, a really fearful parent. I want to call everyone and make sure safety measures are in place at every stop in her journey. Maybe if I text NSA keywords to her cell phone she might have extra eyes watching over her.  Sure she moved out of my house a year ago, but she lived locally. 

My baby is leaving home-really leaving home. 

I was talking with a neighbor who also has a similar situation with her daughters. (large age gap) Her older daughter moved away to college and decided to stay there for the summer and work and won't be coming home, so we are effectively in the same parental boat. The issue we are both facing is trying not to assault the younger ones with maternal suffocation.

How do you let go?     

While I am worried I am also excited for her. I remembered my first solo journey at 11 from California to visit my aunt and uncle in Oregon via Greyhound. It was one of the best trips of my life and the pivotal moment when I realized a gypsy lived inside of me.  I met a real live hippie. It was most awesome. He was worried about me being on the bus by myself. That's a story for another time. (I sure seem to have a lot of those.)

Checked in and ready to go!

Looking back- I am now writing this a week after she left.

 I can honestly say that the anticipation was worse than the actual leaving.  I waited for the tears that everyone said would inevitably fall as she finished packing. When we drove in to Spokane to the bus station. When we drove home.  The first few days after she was gone. They didn't come. 

Don't get me wrong, my heart tugged and I knew I would miss her. And I do.

We made it to the bus station in plenty of time and she got checked in. With a stroke of luck her dad and his girlfriend made it down to see her off. (This was most epic for Lynn)  He got teary a few times but recognized she was grown up and this step is much needed for her.

Last hugs with dad

As she walked out to the bus I felt a sense of pride and excitement.  In one moment it hit me: 

My girl is a grown woman.

Mariah on the other hand had a rougher time of it.  She had many tears and was a bit inconsolable watching sister get on the bus. She's doing much better now.

Putting on a brave face.

The great thing about the time we live in is the advantage of social media.  She texted and messaged me along her journey and she had a great one!  She got lucky and had the new buses that have wi-fi. She shared the people she met, the things she thought and her excitement was contagious.

Of course the first bus stop she had was down the road from our house.  So we raced behind the bus and went across the street from her stop to get ice cream. I went stealth and snapped a pic and texted it to her.  Really. I even posted a pic of it somewhere but I can't find it....

I find myself having moments wondering if the shoe will drop and I will break down

in epic fashion.  I think it would be much different if I didn't speak with her daily or have such an open line of communication. She's even Skyped with Mariah twice and that's been a very good thing.

Lynn (who prefers to go by Jae) is already sharing how she's quickly making new friends and doing what she needs to do to get settled.  I'm looking forward to watching her take these steps in a life that is truly her own.

I just hope she remembers that as her mom I will randomly state motherly things. It's part of the job. We decided to say 'See you later' instead of 'Goodbye.' 

Namaste, my girl.                                

My and my Ladybug