There And Back Again

Let's begin with the obligatory late August photo: 

And now on to today's episode!

I gave it my best.

The  'serious'  blog.

Let's get real, folks-I mean have you seen me in real life?  

My life isn't pristine and pretty but it's certainly not an apocalypse.

NOTE:  I was looking at the online thesaurus for a fantastic replacement for apocalypse. This was the first thing that showed up so I stopped looking  and settled for it because here we are. 

So I guess it technically could be considered an apocalypse in the overall picture even it is a bit of a stretch. 

My life isn't something that can stay within nice defined boundaries.

I color outside the lines.   I remove mattress tags.  

I occasionally run with scissors. 

I drink milk past the expiration date.  My Christmas tree is still up. 

Yes, I march to the beast of my own drum.

No that's not a typo.  I said beast. 

I will elaborate on that another time. 

My intent was to post meaningful things that provoked thoughts that were philosophical in nature and not the I wonder if she's off her meds kind. 

The funny thing is that I had people message me asking if I was off my meds. Oh the irony....

 I'm more like an eclectic mix of chaospasm mixed in with passion, insanity, and a side of occasional adulting. 

What snapped me back into myself?  

An audio book I was listending to. I randomly checked it out from the online library because the title called to me for some reason. Include the cover shot of a raccoon that looked like it was on an extended mania spree pretty much sealed the deal. 

Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson

Pictured is the author and the book cover

This link will take you to the  free preview of the book. 

 Disclaimer: It is peppered with language but I promise if you can overlook it it's worth it.  

https://www.google.com/books/edition/Furiously_Happy/FS6NBwAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&printsec=frontcover

As I have listened to it I got really excited because  I get it. 

I thank those of you who have stuck with my through the growing pains of finding myself back to this blog. 

 For some reason I got it in my head that by writing a 'serious' blog I was going to be a 'better' blogger.  

Well we can all see how that turned out.  

So this is just a quick update to say that I'm back-really back-and we shall continue on forging through this fantastic life of mine filled with nonsense and grit. 

The grit part isn't always fun to share but it's who I am and this is all-in or all-out.

At times we may go to uncomfortable places but they are part of the package. 

I hope you enjoy the ride. :)

Until next time,

-R

As always remember that there are only: 

The Ups and Downs of a Girl in Nutritional Crisis: Part Two

Well here we are again....with part two.  Hope part one wasn't too boring-just a glimpse into my chaotic relationship with myself, food, and life. :)

Without further adieu...

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February 21 · Edited

This is one of the most difficult posts I've had to make but it needs to be done here and done now. I'm feel like I'm running out of time, if that makes any sense. Bariatric surgery. Great results for some, not so great for others. Several people,including my SSI lawyer, have told me that it might be my only valid option to save my health at this point due to at my age and weight before something disastrous happens. If I were to do it, now would be the time as the longer I wait the more potential age-related complications are possible. Time to put it all on the table. *takes a deep breath* I turned 50 in Dec. 

My current weight is *** (Not brave enough to share that in this blog) lbs. as of yesterday. I was *** last week but I allowed stress eating to take me down. Sometimes I can literally feel my body fighting to function properly-especially after a big meal. Is it truly realistic and possible to lose the amount I need to lose to be healthy? (around *** lbs with a goal range of 155-175 lbs) I need to be here for my daughter and honestly am afraid that she will wake up one morning to find me dead. I can't stand the thought of it and frankly, I'd like to stick around for awhile.

The effects of all this stress on my body are becoming apparent and I'm really concerned. I know that no diet or medical intervention has the chance of being successful without a change in mindset. One of the biggest problems is that I'm just as afraid to have the surgery as I am if I don't. I'm in a catch 22 exercise-wise. The more I try and move the more I hurt and have to stop. I'm frustrated beyond belief and feel horrible that my 10 yr old feels that she has to take care of me. It can't continue. I would really appreciate your honest input. Please be kind.

March 3 at 8:40pm · Edited

Mariah and I went out to eat and while we did have salad/soup first we still ate too much and the guilt started to creep in. I looked at Mariah as we were leaving and ask how she felt about going to the Kroc. She said "let's go walk!" She walked 12 laps ( a mile) and I am proud to say that I did a whole 15 minutes (1/4 mile!) on the treadmill. Followed by 45 minutes in Costco. Followed by 30 minutes at Freddy's. I'm very sore and very tired. And very proud of myself and proud of Mariah. We talked about it and plan to walk 3-4 times a week.

March 8 at 8:36pm

What a nice day this was! We slept in REALLY late but still managed to run a few errands. We made it to the Kroc since we skipped yesterday. Mariah wanted a change and hit the exercise bike in the youth area, and I tried a different treadmill on the main level. I did 25 minutes and 1/3 mile! I started nice and slow for about 5 minutes and increased my speed for about 7 minutes and then slowed back down for the rest. I'm starting to sense that I can do a bit more as long as I'm careful. How was YOUR Sunday?

March 17 at 11:47pm

I'm feeling kind of down-I'd hoped we'd have a bit more activity on the page. It's starting to look like an online diary, lol. unsure emoticon The Diary of a Crazy but Cool Cat Lady...

Robyn Anderson

March 23 at 11:59am

Started PT last week in the pool and the hardest thing? Coming out of the pool as gravity kicks in and the effort to move tripled. I was horrified that I almost couldn't make it up the stairs! Today I woke up determined to work hard. I have to do something-I know I've been saying that, and it's been true each time. This time I left the pool a bit at a time. It took about 5 minutes but it was much easier to do it that way. So far I'm following the goals I set for myself this morning. It's just not possible to even set goals for two days. I'm going to try a day at a time. Also made the decision to do the Cabbage Soup /Sacred Heart Diet to get my body jump-started. Its not the healthiest and I realize it going it, but at my weight, anything that starts the process is fine by me.

 I have to wait until the first but I'm only planning to do it for a week and see how it goes-I'm thinking one week on, one week off as was suggested earlier. I can't move like I need to without doing something more aggressive diet-wise. It's the only real success I've had in the past but it needs to be followed up with a continued exercise/lifestyle change or it will come back-I'd not had the follow through. If anyone is interested in the particular soup/plan I use I will gladly share.

 ***DISCLAIMER*** Always check with your doctor to make sure this one is okay, due to the nature of how it works-especially if you take medication or have medical conditions. I got the green light from mine. smile emotico


n

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I've had one h*ll of a week. My primary care doctor died 4 days ago. My secondary doc has been hospitalized for 4 weeks and was supposed to be released last Friday.  It seems like life is throwing every thing it can to dislodge me.  I've got me feet dug in for the fight-today anyway-and am just going to try and hang in there.  I'm not sure there's much else I can do.

RIP doc-you were the most amazing, kind, and gentle doctor I've ever known. :)

I hope you haven't found my diary of sorts too boring.  It's an honest look into a part of my life that I've struggled with.   There were several excerpts not listed but that's strictly due to the persons mentioned in it, lol. (some who are reading this blog, you know who you are-stay strong!) 

 Thus concludes part two.  I'm hoping Part Three won't be needed.  Where I'm at today is simplifying.  Being kinder to myself. Focusing on the positive. I'm not ignoring the negative, I'm trying not to punish myself for it. 

Sorry this one wasn't longer, but the intensity should make up for that.  See you soon! 

Always,

Robyn :)

Day Six: Rolling Along

Our last day at the beach-I'm really going to miss it. I'm sitting in the living room this evening so I can look out and watch the surf as I type.  It's become overcast over the last couple of hours and it's starting to look like a storm is moving in.

Quiet night

Woke up ready to hit the beach and go rock hunting-was ready to brave the stairs and enjoy the surf....and I look out and while the tide was going out, there were no rocks to be seen.  I was pretty disappointed and decided to let Mariah sleep in again.

She woke up a bit later (I'm starting to see a pattern) and was pretty bummed about the beach but I promised her an epic swim session-as long as she wanted.  She went to get her suit...and it was gone.  Turns out my mom packed early this morning before she left.

Tootsie

After several tears and a couple of hugs I noticed there were finally rocks showing on the beach so I immediately offered to take her down and hunt for agates, rocks, and other assorted beachy treasure.  I was really pleased to find that they have added hand rails to all the stairs now so would be able to pull myself along on the trip back up.

Astro

It was absolutely beautiful-light wind, sun, and the sand wasn't hot enough to fry my toes. I wish I'd remembered to take my kite down. She was very happy with the treasures we found.  After a couple of hours we came back up and I started the mammoth task of washing all of our stuff and packing.

We will be leaving early in the morning and heading over to see my aunt and uncle in Corvallis.  I will pick another suit up for Mariah when we get there as it will be hot and she will want to use the pool at the hotel.

Coastal clouds

I have plans to visit a really neat pioneer cemetery, Alsea Falls, and Brownsville, a  pioneer town. Central Oregon is a pretty neat place to explore!

The trip so far has been really nice-I'm enjoying the 'just us' time that Mariah and I shared today. We watched Willy Wonka, The Smurfs, and about 6 episodes of a fixer-upper show. 

Suitcases are packed and we are having a party in the living room-Mariah has made a fort to sleep in (I got permission from the 'rents first of course, just in case the maids say something when we check out in the morning).  

Mariah was on the deck earlier and made up a song about the waves in the ocean and sang it to me while we watched the tide coming in. The waves are a bit bigger than usual tonight and were very soothing.

Was able to Skype with my other offspring (Jae) and found out that they finally had a rain-free day today.  She was watering my garden while I'm gone and has had the easiest job ever to this point.

We are going to call it an early night so we can get a nice early start tomorrow. It's only a couple hours over to Corvallis but I want to plan for spontaneous photos along the way.  I finally remembered to log in and answer weekly questions for a read along I'm taking part in-I can win some swag so I wanted to 'really' take part. 

The view from our unit

My new SIM card for my cell arrived here today but I have to wait until I'm in Corvallis to activate it. Le Sigh. That's been an adventure in itself.

Here's hoping for great weather and many photo ops tomorrow!

Until next time,

Robyn (and Mariah) 

What I’m Up To & Where I’m Going

Hi everyone-I hope this finds you well. We are nearing the end of another school year and The Midget has it figured out down to the hours until she’s done! She’s grown pretty restless over the last month and we are both looking forward to being able to stay up a bit later and sleep in a bit more.

I'm taking part in a read along for one of my favorite book series and I'm kind of excited tbh, because it's something I've not done before. My inner child really wants to win one of  the prizes but that's a blog post for another day..

We had a really cool thunderstorm yesterday-one of the things I love about late spring here in the Northwest. Granted it's nothing like the larger and more dangerous storms that take place around the country but for our area it was a pretty intense one.

Coming down in buckets

Hail in one of my planters

What I'm Up To

Back in 2009 I co-wrote a book with a good friend with plans to publish but I started dragging my feet and it ended up being shelved for several years. The other day we had a long conversation and she called me out for the epic stall.

 I decided it was time to pull my feet out of the mud and have taken the plunge into editing. We are in the process of making it nice and shiny and we hope to publish this coming July. I will keep you all updated on its progress.

I’ve got several books in the works I just need to get busy and finish them. Our first release will fall under the New Adult section and the next few of my solo efforts will fall into the Young Adult slot. I’m the most comfortable with writing in this genre as well as the fact that I just simply relate well to it. The current working title is “Of Squalor and Ashes.” Some of you may be familiar with it. 

Where I'm Going

I set my camera down for awhile to regroup and figure out what my projects will be for the coming summer.  I’m getting ready to take my Nikon body down to a camera shop and get the main body cleaned (I won’t touch it) and stock up on good quality lens cleaning supplies.

 My first adventure on deck is a trip down to the Oregon Coast.  I will be off on a three week adventure to visit various family members. I plan to shoot wherever the wind takes me. 

Gleneden Beach sunset

I will be visiting the Corvallis, OR area as well and plan to check out a pioneer cemetery I remember seeing years ago, along with going to check out Alsea Falls. There is a lot of history in the area and I look forward to sharing it with The Midget. We will be grabbing some much-needed mom & daughter time. 

She’s caught the photo bug and will be taking one of my digital point and shoots.  She’s quite the vlogger and if she records anything that won’t cause motion sickness I might post a couple. Her insights can be both profound and amusing.

I plan to return to Montana now that the snow has melted and revisit a place I really want to shoot more extensively. I’m always up for location recommendations in the Oregon/Idaho/Montana areas.

I’m planning to do some camping again and I’m sure I will have camera in hand for the spontaneous stuff.  I never really have a ‘set’ plan-I lay out a general idea and location but am prepared to follow spontaneous leaps of photographic faith.

I’m working on a couple of covers for a friend’s book, and that is going to keep me busy as well. I’ve finally broken down and decided to get some decent editing software.

Summer is finally upon us!

See you next time,

-Robyn :)

Hard Look in the Mirror

"Fear cannot be banished, but it can be calm and without panic; it can be mitigated by reason and evaluation."  -Vannevar Bush

Today’s blog is the start of  some things that are much more personal that what I’ve done before. While I’ve been sharing some deeper glimpses of my life with you, my next few posts will share on a few different topics: all of them pretty rough for me but those of you who already know me, know that it’s also necessary to share as part of my commitment to blog as part of being the real me. Who knows-maybe one of you who reads this can relate.

 

You never know.

Today I’m going to talk about school and this inane thing I created called THE PLAN.

 

aka Worst. Idea. Ever.

 

Up until last year I’d gone to college year round-Fall, Spring, and Summer. I had A PLAN.  I was determined never to waiver from it no matter what natural or manmade disaster befell me. What was THE PLAN? To work straight through my courses and get my bachelor’s as soon as possible. No matter what.  It’s important to have A PLAN for someone like me who often gets distracted when on a task.

 

After all, isn’t creating A PLAN part of being a successful adult and/or late bloomer?

 

Starting in spring of 2007 I began my journey in atypical fashion. No advisor, no entrance counseling. I got myself registered and moving forward, choosing classes I knew I’d excel in to get started.

 

A semester in I realized I needed some direction (who knew?) and met with an advisor who made everything look good on paper but sent me in an absolutely unrealistic direction. This individual meant well-I can be quite convincing when I need to be-especially if something sounds good and I really want it. 

 

A semester later I was approaching meltdown after my first day in basic algebra. A gal took pity on my poor, wretched math soul and offered to help me.

 

Best. Day. Ever.

 Where is this going?  We’re getting there, I promise.

This led to me entering a program with lots of student support, etc.   After changing two majors (one because my head was ready to explode and the other for health issues) I found a good basic and realistic major.

I was set and revamped THE PLAN, much to my dismay but more determined than ever.  Four years later, I graduated with my degree. Feeling the need to compensate for changing THE PLAN I picked up several certificates/enhancements along the way.  I probably should have paid more attention to the fact that I graduated on Friday the 13^th…

I will note that a few of you were in school with me at the time and watched the beginnings of the chaos to come.   

 

I transferred to the next educational institution (Lord help them) and was off on the next leg of this journey. I didn’t want time off because I honestly was afraid I wouldn’t start back up and it would deviate from THE PLAN.

Of course, having Murphy and all his laws living in my back pocket always made things a bit more interesting (I use that term loosely). Summer went as planned and I was more dedicated to THE PLAN than ever.  Then Fall arrived.

With me so far? Good. *takes deep breath*

I have no idea what I was thinking, except that fluffernutting  PLAN that I had to stick to NO MATTER WHAT was nearly my downfall-okay it was my downfall. A total of four back-to-back surgical procedures on my legs/feet later (two minor, two major), and Fall & Spring semesters were complete failures-seriously.  I failed nearly all my classes.  Fall was medication fall out (you have to be able to actually read the text to pass the class). Spring was an even more complete fail. I couldn’t concentrate, etc.   I was crushed. Let the self flagellation commence.

I forced myself to take a year off. Smartest thing I’ve done. After all is said and done, I stopped making excuses and took a long hard look at my educational future and why I had two disastrous semesters.  Last week I finally acknowledged what everyone had been trying to tell me: 

 

I was burned out.                                            Really burned out.  

 

 Like ashes-after-the-phoenix burned out.

                      We are talking cinders, baby.                          

                                                                                                   

If you remember my first post way back when, Fear of Failure has always been an issue with me.  To accept burnout was to accept failure. THE PLAN had crumbled and I was pretty much paralyzed as far as any future education went-what am I if I don’t have A PLAN to go by? I was talking a good talk about going back and even started the process twice but never followed through.

 

 

As of a week ago I know what I AM. A person who overdid it and paid the price. And I’m ready to start the process to get back and finish my bachelors, but more realistically and reasonable. Putting on my really big girlie panties and ready to deal.

The one thing that had been holding me back?  My refusal to accept the reasons behind what happened.  Now that I have accepted that I had epic burnout I’ve giving myself something to stand on, if that makes sense-a starting point if you will.

 

I realistically evaluated things and have started the process. The best thing about it?  I’ve left THE PLAN behind.  It feels really weird without one. Almost a sense of being unbalanced but also liberating.  I’m keeping it really simple and taking it in increments of small goals. I just need to make sure I keep said goals realistic and only set two or three at a time, not adding more until the current are completed.

 

I'm feeling the same excitement I used to at getting the opportunity to learn and move forward.  After all, I'm not a spring chicken anymore-I fall a bit closer to the quacking duck.

 

The coolest thing is that others I’ve shared this with have not gone the ‘we tried to tell you’ route. It’s more like a collective sigh of relief.  They are simply encouraging me and reassuring me that all will be as it should.  That’s been invaluable as I reassess my goals.I can say that my advisor is VERY excited at my current state of mind. She ‘gets me’ and has always had my back.

What I do know is that I would like to continue my education-I'm so close.  After being gone a year I'm not kidding myself-It's going to be hard work and I'm willing to do it.  One of the things it will take is doing as much on campus as possible and less online. 

  

I'm going to download and print off the paper work and will be honest in my explanations and hope the appeal committee approves me. But I’m also prepared for the possibility of denial which I was never open to in the past.  I will take one step at a time and accept what comes, not borrowing trouble.

 

 

 

Sometimes it’s not enough just to look in the mirror. You have to accept what you see staring back at you to move forward.

 

Don't let you become your worst enemy.

 

 

 

Until next time,

Robyn
(Pardon my excessive use of graphics and parentheses today-they seem to fit!)

Today's blog is brought to you by: 

‘Get ThroughThis’ and ‘Raining’ by Art of Dying.

It's the perfect soundtrack for today’s post.