Gut Feelings, Stubbornness, and the Changing of Seasons

Most people will say that the change of Summer to Autumn is a big one for them. It definitely is for me. There is something about it that is almost tangible. Some say they feel it in their bones while others might say that there is a general disconnect between seasons. Some feel a sense of dread. 

The reasons are attributed to 'back to school' fever, pulling out the winter gear, mourning the loss of warm-weather opportunities, and voraciously pouring over the winter forecasts with glee because you can't wait to see how bad of a winter is coming each year. Everyone does that, right? 

***Disclaimer: results may vary***

As I've grown older I admit I do like fall well enough. The last couple of years I realized just how much I love it.  Yes, you are reading this correctly:  Winter has a close competitor.  While it does admittedly win out over fall I'm happy to finally publicly embrace this most amazing change of seasons. 

I feel blessed to live in an area that has four distinct seasons. As a hobby photographer I enjoy the rich colors of fall, the stark contrast of winter, the first brilliant greens of spring, and the thunderstorms that are summer's way of reminding us that she, too, has a powerful place in things. 

I think that one of the more uncomfortable things that summer's end represents is a big shift in our personal focus. 

We 'wake up' during spring-an almost frenetic process of renewal. It's frenetic for me because the increase of light sends my poor little neurotransmitters into a flurry of activity that rivals the eruption of Krakatoa. (Obligatory educational link:  https://www.livescience.com/28186-krakatoa.html )

Summer turns our thoughts toward freedom and focus becomes outward.

 Late summer becomes an attempt to hold on with a sense of desperation as the first twinges of fall touch our psyche. 

Fall arrives in a brilliant final display of color as it pulls our focus back inward with more structured boundaries and introspection. 

Winter brings introspection and the stark beauty of nature as she sleeps.

It's a tougher transition for some.  

We are living in times of great uncertainty and this obviously has affected each and every one of us.

 I have tended to become more stubborn about many things in my life in order to maintain a form of stability. I've ignored many gut feelings that I should have followed in my quest to keep as much normality and consistency for myself and family. 

 My stubbornness has become my nemesis. 

The only thing that's ended up being consistent is that ignoring the gut feelings have been costly both emotionally and physically.  

Looking at what I don't have because of the chaos vs counting our blessings. I think that it's important to continue to count the positives we do have, even if it seems like the negatives far outweigh them. 

I have been encouraged by several in my circle to listen to those gut feelings. I found myself initially hyper-focusing and second guessing each feeling I had in an attempt to sort them into the 'gut', 'wishful thinking', and 'nope' categories. It was defeating the whole purpose.

There is a big difference in my gut feelings vs the other ones. The gut feeling is a deeper, quiet, solid thing while the others are not quiet and have no real substance to them. It's similar listening to that still small quiet voice we all do have even if we try to deny it's there. 

As we enter into the next phase of the future unknown, I would encourage you to stand tall and strong.  You are stronger than you realize.  

You can do this. 

We can do this. 

To quote something I came across  a couple of years ago: "Don't be scared, be prepared." Yes, I know it's difficult because we don't know what to really prepare for.  This is a topic I will post on at a later date as I'm still sorting that one out. 

Be good to each other. 

Until next time, 

-R

And I would be remiss if I didn't include that we have for your countdown pleasure: 

Restlessness, Noise, and the Dog Days of Summer

Restlessness and Noise

*Formatting fixed*

I am normally pretty restless during the month of August and this year even more so.

The uncertainty of how school will begin here is still in discussion.  

I had an opportunity to apply for Midget to attend a local charter school in July. 

 While I haven’t received an acceptance letter, I was emailed that she had been accepted. 

Midget is really looking forward to her new school but we don’t know what it will look like yet.  

Normally there is a new student orientation in August. We aren’t sure what supplies are needed as it’s a blended format but I’m going ahead and getting the basics now-backpack, calculator, pens/pencils, etc., things she will definitely use.

Even the sky is restless at this time of year with the Persied Meteor shower peaking tonight!

https://www.space.com/perseid-meteor-shower-2020-webcasts.html

Fun August Fact: 

 

I turned off all electronics for several hours this afternoon and it was uncomfortably  quiet.  I am really making an effort to do reduce the ‘noise’ around me. (As I type this with a Star Wars movie in the background).

I hadn’t realized how dependent on the background noise I’d become. 

 I’d been making sure I have a tablet charged for day and for night. I had been putting on a YouTube video to be able to fall asleep and it is usually a documentary on volcanoes or some other disaster.

I also realized that I have been using melatonin, Benadryl, or a sip of cough syrup every night to go to sleep.   #confessions

 

I am fairly certain that this noise has been a contributing factor to my anxiety. 

My brain simply hasn’t had a chance to truly disconnect for a long time; toss in the extremely chaotic time we are living in it’s no wonder I’m a mess this week!

Last night I decided to make some changes.  It was surprisingly difficult to do it and it felt very uncomfortable.  I tossed and turned a LOT but I eventually fell asleep at some point. 

I probably only got a cumulative 4 hours of sleep but it has to start somewhere!

 

I will be shutting everything off at 9 pm and will read to wind down instead. It’s important for me to establish a healthier routine.

 

I will be heading out to my patio for self care in just a bit.  (taken this afternoon)

 

I want to take my camera and take a day drive this weekend.  I want to keep it a bit spontaneous so I’m not really planning anything. It will be a ‘the tank is full let’s see where the road leads us.” 

I usually do a summer photo shoot and haven’t really done that this year. I took a vacation to the Oregon Coast and shot a few but I’d like to post more than ocean waves and boats in a harbor lol.

                                  *obligatory ocean wave picture*

 

I’ve also been working on writing a bit.  It’s only a note to my outlines, or maybe a paragraph or two. 

 

I’m hoping that by reducing the noise around me I will be able to quiet some of my restlessness.

 

Are you more restless this year? Are you finding yourself hiding behind noise?  I’d love to hear how you are doing. 

We are in this together!

 

Until next time,

-R

 

Time Flies

I hope today finds you all well. I was so tired yesterday that I dozed on the couch most of the morning. It was early afternoon before I had any energy to do anything. I became aware that several things needed to be done around the house. 

Nothing too complicated. Just simple things I'd let pile up or given myself excuses to "get it done later."

I confess I have been a bit stressed as many others are and have ended up not paying attention to my immediate surroundings. My clutter, my self care.

I intended to practice some self care each day. I followed through for a few days but was pulled to other things as my time management has really been lacking the last week or so. 

 I created a small space on my back patio that is filled with several hanging baskets and planters that are in fragrant bloom. I have several varieties of petunias, a couple of mixed planters, and a humongous geranium that the college girls who lived next door abandoned when they moved.

 I have a small wrought iron plant stand that substitutes as a table,  a hummingbird feeder, and led dragonfly lights up as well. I have a camp chair I pull out and I try to sit for a bit a couple times a day.  It's very relaxing and peaceful.

NOTE:  these were taken when I initially got everything set up. It's really filled out and they have grown quit a bit. 

 

I had a completely free day and as I took the time to slow down and really look, I was a bit surprised at just how much I've let things go.  

I had a conversation with the Midget  (who really isn't a Midget anymore but for all intents and purposes in this blog she will be known by that) and we made plans to start by doing a few simple tasks later today. 

I am feeling accomplished that I did complete a few tasks today. 

Small victories! 

It's now 1:40 a.m. Saturday morning as I'm typing this. The Midget has come out twice and told me to go to bed.  She may be ornery a good deal of the time (I blame the teenage alien hormones that have taken over) but at the end of the day she is a very loving daughter. 

She worries about me when I'm up late.  I generally don't sleep much when I'm restless like this. I figured now was as good a time as any to restart this blog. 

One of the other things I've been doing as a form of self care is running a small private Facebook group that I created as my way of combating the chaos of the world.  I started it over a year ago and realized that it would be a great idea to transfer the concept over here.

It's not a participatory group per se but members are welcome to post or respond as they see fit.

I usually start with a good morning, something really silly, a bible verse, something inspirational, a really bad silly animal pun, and close the day off with a goodnight. I have started to toss in a few daily or monthly things as well. 

I will probably do a pared back version of it here.  Something to motivate me to start posting regularly again. I hope you check in once in awhile and let me know how you are doing. 

On to today's topic.....

What is the definition of time? 

According to Webster's Online Dictionary :

Time is a measured or measurable period during which an action, process, or condition exists or continues: duration

A nonspatial continuum that is measured in terms of events which succeed one another from past through present to future.

I can say that time is flying.  It seems like March was yesterday and the shutdown began....then schools closed...and here we are entering the final stage of summer.

My dear friends, time is flying! 

Until next time I wish you kindness and health. 

-R

There are :

 

Strength & Gratitude

***

"The strength of a woman is not measured by the impact that all her hardships in life have had on her; but the strength of a woman is measured by the extent of her refusal to allow those hardships to dictate her and who she becomes."  -C. JoyBell C.

 ***

Many times over the years several people have told me that I am strong.

I've had that said to me more in the last year  than in my entire life.  About three years ago I was directly affected by a suicide. Last year a friend who is closer than a sister was diagnosed with cancer (She's doing well today, thank God). I hung in there and prayed and worked through it

 The last three months have had things thrown at me at warp speed:  Two serious accidents in a week with my sister and brother-in-law. My primary physician died three weeks ago. Our parish priest died last Monday. Another provider almost died and spent a month in the hospital. Yet another good friend was diagnosed with cancer, and today a bestie told me there are some health things that are being looked in to-you get the idea. 

(It should be noted that I have unusual relationships with my providers-we have a much more personable relationship while staying within ethical boundaries-this explains why their deaths affected me so much.)

I can't forget to add the complexity of a pre-teen just starting to hit puberty and her own issues tossed into the mix, an adult child in crisis and refusing to recognize it, and some major  re-arranging of my social environment.

What is strength and what does it mean to be strong?

There are all kinds of cutesy memes and quotes about how amazing strong women are, but has anyone considered that some of them might just be weary and that piling extra on doesn't really affect them that much because they are already numb and can't feel the extra weight?

I wouldn't always call it being strong-sometimes I would call it going into survival mode. It just might be that  the appearance of being strong  in actuality is the act of locking down emotions because letting them out is would be too frightening of a prospect.  Some of this is applicable to me-automatic survival mode.

I was recently asked "How do you do it?"

While I don't know all the specifics of the workings of my mind I can share a couple of things.

What I can tell you is that I just take a moment at a time and concentrate on the next steps I need to take at any given moment and try not to deal with more that one of these events at a time.  I work very hard to keep it like that but there are many moments when it gets difficult. Compartmentalizing things can be exhausting in itself.

I listen to music-different genres and styles- and it really does help. Sometimes it helps me to name the emotion I'm feeling and begin the process of moving through it.

The people who know me in real  life have experienced watching me go through it at one time or another-I would call them strong for sticking by me when I get so intensely restless and emotional.

 I have a quirk that has irritated people for a long time and that's my "silver linings" view on life.  As crazy, sad, or chaotic things  get in a situation-mine or others-I can always find one or two silver linings in there somewhere.  It drives people nuts-especially when they want to just grieve whatever they are going through. I even irritate myself.

Often times I will be looking back on a situation and realize the weight of it is gone.  I'm okay. The pressure has lifted a bit. I've moved past the worst of it (still respecting the impact it's had on me). Other times I have to make a more conscience effort to step away from it and  regroup.

Somehow I  am able to pull some kind of something from deep within myself and get through things enough to come out alright on the other side. My faith is a big source of strength and the most important to me, but that's a post for another day.

What is gratitude?

As crazy as it might seem, I'm grateful that I have these things in my life once all is said and done because while they are painful, they have made me who I am today and I'm happy with who I am (plus or minus a few lbs, lol)

I want to say that I'm grateful for the friends and family  around me who tell me I'm strong.

Even if I don't exactly know what that means.

Until next time,

Robyn :)