Come Find Me

Have you ever had a song stuck in your head?

Not an 'earworm' but a song that has a feeling of deep resonation but no apparent explanation?  

Sometimes I love it and others it can be annoying. Sometimes I'm able to correlate it and other times I just have to attribute it to my sphere of old ladyness.

That being said, trying to sleep when you have a song playing as loud as a freight train roaring can definitely interfere with healthy sleep. It's the norm for me though as I live through a different lens and lean toward the creative.  It's just how my brain works. 

 Sometimes there is an underlying reason for a particular song, other times it might be a general mood. It might be a single line, a verse, or the song as a whole. It's resonation to you might not be the intention that the composer identified with but the beauty of art is that it's flexible and fluid. 

The backstory:  I'm adopted. I've known this my entire life and my adoptive parents were always supportive and at one point had even put me in touch with the agency that handled it.

 I was able to to get some basic information but I still had a  sense that something was missing. It wasn't the horrible agony or deep sense of loss that some adoptees feel.  I would never  mimimize another adoptee's feelings because each experience is unique as we as individual human beings are unique. 

 I head been curious to my ethnic background and thought it would be fun to see if it matched with what I'd always been told so I took the leap and ordered an AncestryDNA test. 

I sent it off per the instructions and waited impatiently, watching the tracking information as it progressed on it's way to the lab. It was processing and I had been waiting for my results that were estimated to be another week out.  

I normally turn my phone off at night but for some reason I had left it on. I had an email notification around 11:30 p.m. and the results were in!  Of course there was no way I was going to be able to sleep so I logged on to the laptop to see what my results were.  

I had no idea what to expect as I clicked the link to the website and logged into my account. 

I did a double take. One of them looks so much like me.

I had 3 top matches listed as "Close Family Cousins."  I was so excited to see them.  I reached out to a couple of them through the site messaging feature.

At the same time, I had decided to completely delete one of my social media accounts.  Just too toxic.  I was almost ready to click the button and One of my matched found me and messaged me.

We chatted for a bit and I tried to go to bed.  Thats when this song got a lot louder in my head.  A lot louder.  I have always liked the song so I wasn't too bothered.  

The end of the second day I had been dealing with a smoke-induced headache (the winds graciously broght the west coast wildfire smoke over for an extended stay) and had mentioned I was going to have to call it a night.  

She said she had to tell me something in the morning and I was going to log out...and again..phone notification went off for a new ancestry message. 

It was one of the other matches...who was the first one's sister. (I'm leaving names out for privacy reasons)

They aren't cousins. They are my half sisters!  When I saw the message I have to admit that I started to cry.  I ugly cried for about 5 minutes and pulled myself together so I could share the news with my friend who has been staying with us.

The sensation that something was missing was gone. I feel peaceful. Quiet-well at least that part of me is quiet. We all know that quiet doesn't often exist where I'm concerned. 

 This song continues to be prominent in my thoughts.  I have since connected with another half sister on the other bio parent's side. 

I didn't realize that I'd had a stronger longing for finding relatives than I'd acknowledged.

NOTE: I am sitting here listening to said song on repeat as I type this and it just dawned on me why. I admit a tear or two is falling as I realize just how deeply it's rooted inside to a part of my inner child I had quietly put on a shelf a long time ago. 

I don't know where these new-found relationships will go; it's new for all of us and we are at the very beginning of this journey. 

My adoptive family are still my parents, that family is my family. I've just been blessed to have a bigger one now.  Those of you who know me in real life know how much having a big family has meant to me and this definitely tics off the boxes! 

 I'm not in any hurry though as I want to take in every moment.

I have posted the exceprt of the lyrics that resonate with me and a link to the YouTube video so you can hear it and get a glimpse into what is happening to me and how amazing it is. 

                                     To my new family: Let's do this! 

The song  is "Find Me' by Singma (featuring Birdy)

"If you're ready, heart is open

I'll be waiting

Come find me

If you're searching for forever

I'll be waiting

Come find me

I see you, here in the darkness

Blinding light right where your heart is

If you're ready, heart is open

I'll be waiting

Come find me

Come find me

Come find me

I see you, here in the darkness

Blinding light right where your heart is

If you're ready, heart is open

I'll be waiting

Come find me"

Here is a link to the song. 
This is the orginial version.  I updated this post to include the version that represents it the most. (It will open in a new window)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ec92Wa8zJs8&frags=pl%2Cwn

It's going to be one of my life power songs now.  It represents energy, hope, connection, ....and family.

Until next time my friends,

-Robyn

And of course I wouldn't be the me you know and love without reminding you that:

                                                    

The Ups and Downs of a Girl in Nutritional Crisis: Part One.

Translation?

This getting healthy thing is proving more difficult than I'd planned on, but I'm not giving up; rather I've dug my heels in and am prepared to fight for my life-morbid obesity is a disease in itself, being in both body and mind.

This is going to be one of those more brutally honest posts-I'd warned you about that, lol.


Fed up and tired of being fat, I had to weigh (pun intended) my options.

1. Have some kind of surgery
2. Try and find a medically supervised diet that my insurance will cover
3. Do the Sacred Heart Diet (you know the cabbage soup one)
4 Juicing/Smoothies

Well, I'm terrified of any of the surgeries, my insurance doesn't cover any of the medically supervised plans, and I've had success in the past with the Sacred Heart Diet and am just learning about doing the juice/smoothies.


I plan to get moving but when I do move I hurt and have to take pain medication which keeps me from moving...and so on.

What follows are my personal posts from the Facebook Group I created to have a small community of like minded people to share recipes, encouragement, etc.

Some of you may relate. Some of you might shake your head. Some of you might totally get it.

It really doesn't matter, I just ask you that after reading this blog entry that you take an extra second or two to look beyond the girth of the next large person you see.

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I made my first smoothie today using some carb count yogurt, frozen blueberries, water and some V8 natural splash. (It's what I had on hand). It tasted pretty great and Mariah had most of it. I'm getting pretty excited about this!

January 24 

January 25

Today's assignment is to watch Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. Thank you Netflix. 

I've set a simple first goal. I want to be able to walk to my mail box and back twice at a steady pace without being winded. (it's across the parking lot from my apt). It's very humbling for me to admit.

January 27

Okay I had an amazing experience today. As you know my friend gave me a Magic Bullet so I could make smoothies. I was really interested in checking out some juicing as well. A page member read my post over on the BNP site and pm'd me privately asking if I would like a dedicated juicer! I met with her and brought it home and made some juice right away. I LOVED it. Another step on my journey!

February 1

Today was an interesting day-first day out in a long time that kept me away from home for most of the day. Went in to Spokane and my older daughter wanted to take her friends to Dick's Hamburgers. Anyone-well almost anyone who has been there knows it's greasy crack in all its glory.

I got a smaller version of what I regularly get, still allowing a splurge and.
I had to stop eating it. It was way to greasy and I didn't feel so hot after I finished what I did eat. McDonald's makes me feel this way too, most of the time. So I mourned the loss of my Whammy, large fry, and six tartar sauces.
I'm attributing it to the new changes healing my body even more. While it's kind of a bummer, it's also really cool! I must be doing something right!

February 2

Had to rethink my first baby-step goal: My garbage dumpster is pretty much across the street (out my door and about 30 yds away). ( also half the distance to my mail box). I walked over and back at a steady pace and was surprised that I was winded. I'm revising my first goal to be two trips to the dumpster and back with the next goal to be the mail box and back. Mariah is my cheerleader and is rooting me on

February 10

With all the crap happening today my stress level hit infinity. I caved and ordered pizza, BUT to help my appetite before it gets here I drank a big glass of my thicker green veggie juice. Going to have Mariah drink one as well. Then we can enjoy without over stuffing. smile emoticon

February 13

This morning I find myself at odds with life, lol. I had all these glorious plans for juicing and smoothies and all would be wonderful and any extra things I needed would fall from the sky, lol. Things don't often work out that way. frown emoticon So as much as I wanted to do a 100% completely healthy food lifestyle that's just not going to be possible-reality kicked in, lol. What it means is that I'm going to revamp things so we can still work toward health while dealing with typical food items. I'm good for this month and have a bit extra but I won't be able to afford to keep doing it. I'm not giving up though, I just need to make some adjustments to my plans.‪#‎determination‬

February 14

Nutrition fail this morning. On one hand I feel like a sneak kid that got away with something. On the other I'm disgusted. Let's just say a giant Reese's valentine heart was involved...

February 21

Happy Saturday! Lots of chaos in the air these days with bad things happening to so many people I know. What's your 'go to' strategy for dealing with stress eating? the carbs enthusiastically jump up and down yelling 'Pick me! Pick me!' while the fats purr seductively to lure me in. Not going to the store today because I'm afraid one or the other will win.

     

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Thus concludes part one.  Part two will post in a day or so. Unless I get distracted. 

Dear Blog, I missed you.

Has it really been FIVE MONTHS since my last post?  I must remedy this with a post or two! I've actually been pretty busy on Facebook  as an admin on a couple of pages and I started a 'healthy hangout' group for myself and others to compare notes, be comrades in misery, and cheer leaders  for those times when we want to wallow in said misery.

I talked about the fact that I was going to be transparent and what I will do is start from about a month ago and fill in  from there. Here is the Reader's Digest version-my basic posts  from other pages....consider it a digital diary of sorts.
It's not always going to be a pleasant read, but it's real.


NOTE: posts have been edited for time, rambling, and to protect some aspects of privacy. :)

Jan 18, 2015

Ask: Most of you know that I am very overweight and want to do something about it. Looking over the options that would work for me at the moment, I've decided that juicing will be a good first step. I would love a juicier-nothing fancy, just something to help me started my journey to wellness.It would also help my daughter with some healthy choices. I'm not picky, I'd just like something that works, and possibly has the instructions so I know how to take care of it.  ‪
( About 15 minutes later a friend saw my post and gave me a Magic Bullet mixer)

Later that day. UPDATE: I made my first smoothie today using some carb count yogurt, frozen blueberries, water and some v8 natural splash. (It's what I had on hand). It tasted pretty great and Mariah had most of it. I'm getting pretty excited and will be contacting you guys for tips. How would you feel if I started a page for those of us who want to do the healthy thing?

Jan 24, 2015  The group is created

Page intro:

About me: I'm an older single mom of two girls. The youngest is at home and struggles with her weight as well. We need to make major lifestyle changes and it has to start with me so I can set the example for her.

I want to create new lifestyle habits for both of us. I've heard so much about juicing and smoothies that I thought that would be a great place to start. I could do any number of 'diets' (and have done most of them) to lose weight quickly but it's not what I'm looking for.

Thanks, everyone! 

Let's do this!

Jan 27 2015- A surprise! 

Okay I had an amazing experience today. As you know my friend gave me a Magic Bullet so I could make smoothies. I was really interested in checking out some juicing as well. A page member read my post over on the **** site and pm'd me privately asking if I would like a dedicated juicer! I met with her and brought it home and made some juice right away. I LOVED it. Another step on my journey!

Later that day: ***** ***** mentioned starting a walking group. I would love to do that when my stamina gets up. I was doing some online Denise Austin stuff-mostly stepping to the music but I have to go slow and really start from the ground up. I was appalled that I couldn't even keep up with the stepping. That's when I knew I had to do something and began thinking about taking my journey public. I've always done it privately and it was a very lonely path to take.

(taking it public referencing my past post on this blog)

Feb 1, 2015 

Reality says hello

Today was an interesting day-first day out in a long time that kept me away from home for most of the day. Went over to *********  (the state line)  and my older daughter wanted to take her friends to ******* Hamburgers. Anyone-well almost anyone who has been there knows it's greasy crack in all its glory.

I got a smaller version of what I regularly get, still allowing a splurge and I had to stop eating it. It was way to greasy and I didn't feel so hot after I finished what I did eat. McDonald's makes me feel this way too, most of the time. So I mourned the loss of my ***name of signature burger***, large fry, and six tartar sauces.
I'm attributing it to the new changes healing my body even more. While it's kind of a bummer, it's also really cool! I must be doing something right!

Feb 10 2015

I'm pretty excited and wanted to share with you. A few months ago a friend shared about a guy who takes bikes, working or not, and has them refurbished. He gives them to those in need and I was fortunate to be able to give him 3 bikes and some spare tires. I've been wanting to try and ride again but as big as I am I can't just go get an average bike and hop on without impaling myself or squishing the bike. (gotta be truthful).

I messaged him and shared what I was looking for. He is very excited and it's become his mission to help me. I told him my first goal was to ride around my complex once and work up to riding on one of the trails around here. He knows I have a tight budget and would need to do layaway or make payments. He is as excited as I am and I'm looking forward to what he can come up with. 

Feb 15 2015

This morning I find myself at odds with life, lol. I had all these glorious plans for juicing and smoothies and all would be wonderful and any extra things I needed would fall from the sky, lol. Things don't often work out that way. frown emoticon So as much as I wanted to do a 100% completely healthy food lifestyle that's just not going to be possible-reality kicked in, lol. What it means is that I'm going to revamp things so we can still work toward health while dealing with typical food items. I'm good for this month and have a bit extra but I won't be able to afford to keep doing it. I'm not giving up though, I just need to make some adjustments to my plans.‪

Feb 21 2015

Diets. Most if not all of us have tried one at some point. What's the one you've had the most success with? What's the strangest one you have tried? Which have been a complete disaster? Do you like plans that are specifically laid out or ones that are more 'free form' and let you design your own? More importantly, what have you been able to learn from all of them? Let's have a conversation! (If you aren't comfortable discussing these kinds of things I respect that.)

Note: The comments on that post were very eye opening

Feb 21 2015  Crisis approaching

This is one of the most difficult posts I've had to make but it needs to be done here and done now. I'm feel like I'm running out of time, if that makes any sense. Bariatric surgery. Great results for some, not so great for others. Several people,including my SSI lawyer, have told me that it might be my only valid option to save my health at this point due to at my age and weight before something disastrous happens. If I were to do it, now would be the time as the longer I wait the more potential age-related complications are possible. Time to put it all on the table. *takes a deep breath* I turned 50  in Dec. My current weight is ****lbs. as of yesterday. I was *** last week but I allowed stress eating to take me down.

 Sometimes I can literally feel my body fighting to function properly-especially after a big meal. Is it truly realistic and possible to lose the amount I need to lose to be healthy? (around 200-230 lbs with a goal range of ***-*** lbs).  I need to be here for my daughter and honestly am afraid that she will wake up one morning to find me dead. I can't stand the thought of it and frankly, I'd like to stick around for awhile. The effects of all this stress on my body are becoming apparent and I'm really concerned. I know that no diet or medical intervention has the chance of being successful without a change in mindset. One of the biggest problems is that I'm just as afraid to have the surgery as I am if I don't. I'm in a catch 22 exercise-wise. The more I try and move the more I hurt and have to stop. I'm frustrated beyond belief and feel horrible that my 10 yr old feels that she has to take care of me. It can't continue. I would really appreciate your honest input. Please be kind.

Just  a basic hint at the body stuff I'm dealing with. 

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Lots of personal trials compounded by the trials of those happening to those around me.  The point of all of this? 

Time to pick myself up and get moving again.

Physical journeys.

Spiritual journeys. 

 I. AM. STILL. HERE.

Welcome Back :)