Have you ever had a song stuck in your head?
Not an 'earworm' but a song that has a feeling of deep resonation but no apparent explanation?
Sometimes I love it and others it can be annoying. Sometimes I'm able to correlate it and other times I just have to attribute it to my sphere of old ladyness.
That being said, trying to sleep when you have a song playing as loud as a freight train roaring can definitely interfere with healthy sleep. It's the norm for me though as I live through a different lens and lean toward the creative. It's just how my brain works.
Sometimes there is an underlying reason for a particular song, other times it might be a general mood. It might be a single line, a verse, or the song as a whole. It's resonation to you might not be the intention that the composer identified with but the beauty of art is that it's flexible and fluid.
The backstory: I'm adopted. I've known this my entire life and my adoptive parents were always supportive and at one point had even put me in touch with the agency that handled it.
I was able to to get some basic information but I still had a sense that something was missing. It wasn't the horrible agony or deep sense of loss that some adoptees feel. I would never mimimize another adoptee's feelings because each experience is unique as we as individual human beings are unique.
I head been curious to my ethnic background and thought it would be fun to see if it matched with what I'd always been told so I took the leap and ordered an AncestryDNA test.
I sent it off per the instructions and waited impatiently, watching the tracking information as it progressed on it's way to the lab. It was processing and I had been waiting for my results that were estimated to be another week out.
I normally turn my phone off at night but for some reason I had left it on. I had an email notification around 11:30 p.m. and the results were in! Of course there was no way I was going to be able to sleep so I logged on to the laptop to see what my results were.
I had no idea what to expect as I clicked the link to the website and logged into my account.
I did a double take. One of them looks so much like me.
I had 3 top matches listed as "Close Family Cousins." I was so excited to see them. I reached out to a couple of them through the site messaging feature.
At the same time, I had decided to completely delete one of my social media accounts. Just too toxic. I was almost ready to click the button and One of my matched found me and messaged me.
We chatted for a bit and I tried to go to bed. Thats when this song got a lot louder in my head. A lot louder. I have always liked the song so I wasn't too bothered.
The end of the second day I had been dealing with a smoke-induced headache (the winds graciously broght the west coast wildfire smoke over for an extended stay) and had mentioned I was going to have to call it a night.
She said she had to tell me something in the morning and I was going to log out...and again..phone notification went off for a new ancestry message.
It was one of the other matches...who was the first one's sister. (I'm leaving names out for privacy reasons)
They aren't cousins. They are my half sisters! When I saw the message I have to admit that I started to cry. I ugly cried for about 5 minutes and pulled myself together so I could share the news with my friend who has been staying with us.
The sensation that something was missing was gone. I feel peaceful. Quiet-well at least that part of me is quiet. We all know that quiet doesn't often exist where I'm concerned.
This song continues to be prominent in my thoughts. I have since connected with another half sister on the other bio parent's side.
I didn't realize that I'd had a stronger longing for finding relatives than I'd acknowledged.
NOTE: I am sitting here listening to said song on repeat as I type this and it just dawned on me why. I admit a tear or two is falling as I realize just how deeply it's rooted inside to a part of my inner child I had quietly put on a shelf a long time ago.
I don't know where these new-found relationships will go; it's new for all of us and we are at the very beginning of this journey.
My adoptive family are still my parents, that family is my family. I've just been blessed to have a bigger one now. Those of you who know me in real life know how much having a big family has meant to me and this definitely tics off the boxes!
I'm not in any hurry though as I want to take in every moment.
I have posted the exceprt of the lyrics that resonate with me and a link to the YouTube video so you can hear it and get a glimpse into what is happening to me and how amazing it is.
To my new family: Let's do this!
The song is "Find Me' by Singma (featuring Birdy)
Here is a link to the song.
This is the orginial version. I updated this post to include the version that represents it the most. (It will open in a new window)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ec92Wa8zJs8&frags=pl%2Cwn
It's going to be one of my life power songs now. It represents energy, hope, connection, ....and family.
Until next time my friends,
-Robyn
And of course I wouldn't be the me you know and love without reminding you that:
Loved reading your Blog. Also never heard of that sone but now I love it. Downloaded it on my phone. Luv u...
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