I Can See Clearly Now

  

The raging fires in Oregon (basically the entire state), California (I can't believe there is anything left to burn!), Washington State (again?!?), and here in Idaho have created such disaster, heartache, and destruction that it honestly took the wind out of my blogging sails. 

Yaquina Head Lighthouse, Newport Oregon

Then the smoke came. I don't mean the typical 'here for a day and gone tomorrow' type we usually experience each year that may occasionally hit the 'unhealthy' or 'hazardous' categories for a half day or so. 

I am referring to the smoke that crept across the sky with it's thick viscous malevolence.  The particulates consisting of not only vegetation smoke but many homes, cars, businesses, etc.   

Wildfire smoke is often described as smelling like a giant campfire. Our brains recognize it and while devastating feels a bit familiar. This smoke was another thing entirely.

It has a frightening, poisonous, acrid smell. It's a chemical-ish stink and there is nothing like it. It's the kind of smoke that makes you feel like you are suffocating if you are directly exposed for more than a minute or two.   

As I looked my sliding glass window that day I saw the strange filtered orange sunlight with tiny specks of ash falling. Sepia would be a more accurate description of the color.  I had a thin layer of it on my car more than once.  

It got so bad that we had to literally stay indoors.  We ended up having to hang a blanket over the front door to seal it and another one as a door stopper. We pulled out both of my ion air purifiers and turned up our Himalyan salt lamps.  I went and bought high quality furnace filters but it was too dangerous to use the furnace as I don't have a  'recirculate' function. 

We were getting a bit stir crazy and I have to tell you 2020 has become the year of living Jumanji.  

We finally had to be brave and venture out for needed items and I broke into my wildfire kit (I have different kits for different scenarios) and pulled out the N95s.  

Now before you say "but those are for medical personnel" I will tell you I put my kit together several years ago and always have several packages of N95s just for this particular reason.  Having asthma sucks. It sucks worse in smoky conditions.

Yours truly

At times I felt guilty because what we suffered here was NOTHING compared to what people experienced (and are still experiencing) in many areas. Sometimes it's hard to keep perspective. 

There were promises from the weather forecasters that the end was coming.  Rain was promised.  Then the air quality alerts were extended by two days.  The only positive was that the air quality numbers were ever so slowly improving.  

Facebook was filled with comments of "I've never been so excited to be very unhealthy"  and " I can't wait to be unhealthy." 

Even as the numbers improved it was a bit confusing as the thickness of the smoke got worse and settled in to the point once again that we couldn't see the local mountains. There were a few differences though.  

The smoke wasn't the yellowish, diffusion that had been the previous week's mess. This was more of the white smoke that it still crappy but resembles more of a winter inversion type of smoke. It was confusing until I realized that it didn't smell as bad. (but still made me cough a lot).

Neon pink sun through the smoke. 

The first night of predicted rain didn't fall. It was more a few drops here and there scattered over the area.  The wind had started to move the atmosphere a tiny bit.  We did, in fact improve to unhealthy, and people started to emerge into society a bit.  

I miss the mountains

Still can't see the mountains

I dutifully took part in washing my car yesterday afternoon to help increase the chances of rain. As night fell I kept looking out my front door to see if the rain had come. I stuck my head out for one last time before bed and the sidewalk was wet!  

Yes, my friends, it had indeed rained! 

 

I got the dog leashes and took the canines for a quick walk to their favorite tree and they were as excited as I was to be out. The air smelled wonderful!  I went to bed happy and filled with relief that things were well on their way to better. 

I woke up this morning and it's a beautiful early fall day!   The air quality is good, there is no haze, and we have partly cloudy skies. Where the sky is peeking through it's that beautiful pale blue that is prominent in September. I have several windows open and I'm so grateful to be getting the gross smell out of my house.

 

It will probably take me a couple of days to get the junk out of my lungs but I'm breathing deeper and am more grateful with each breath of that fresh clean air!

I would be easy for us to just move on and go forward but I would ask you to remember all who are still battling these epic fires. Headway is being made but they are far from over.  

Many people also don't realize that fire season runs through mid October where I live and we have a ways to go before we are at lower risk.  My prayer is that this is the worst of it and things settle down.

Please keep the fire crews and first responders in your thoughts. Some have lost everything yet keep their focus trying to save others from the same fate. 

I'm grateful for their service.

As I look out my window I am so glad to say that...I can see clearly now. 

Until next time,

-R

PS no countdown reminders today.  Just didn't feel right. 

For a bit of the perspective I mentioned, here is the list of large fires burining in ID, WA, CA, and OR. 

Come Find Me

Have you ever had a song stuck in your head?

Not an 'earworm' but a song that has a feeling of deep resonation but no apparent explanation?  

Sometimes I love it and others it can be annoying. Sometimes I'm able to correlate it and other times I just have to attribute it to my sphere of old ladyness.

That being said, trying to sleep when you have a song playing as loud as a freight train roaring can definitely interfere with healthy sleep. It's the norm for me though as I live through a different lens and lean toward the creative.  It's just how my brain works. 

 Sometimes there is an underlying reason for a particular song, other times it might be a general mood. It might be a single line, a verse, or the song as a whole. It's resonation to you might not be the intention that the composer identified with but the beauty of art is that it's flexible and fluid. 

The backstory:  I'm adopted. I've known this my entire life and my adoptive parents were always supportive and at one point had even put me in touch with the agency that handled it.

 I was able to to get some basic information but I still had a  sense that something was missing. It wasn't the horrible agony or deep sense of loss that some adoptees feel.  I would never  mimimize another adoptee's feelings because each experience is unique as we as individual human beings are unique. 

 I head been curious to my ethnic background and thought it would be fun to see if it matched with what I'd always been told so I took the leap and ordered an AncestryDNA test. 

I sent it off per the instructions and waited impatiently, watching the tracking information as it progressed on it's way to the lab. It was processing and I had been waiting for my results that were estimated to be another week out.  

I normally turn my phone off at night but for some reason I had left it on. I had an email notification around 11:30 p.m. and the results were in!  Of course there was no way I was going to be able to sleep so I logged on to the laptop to see what my results were.  

I had no idea what to expect as I clicked the link to the website and logged into my account. 

I did a double take. One of them looks so much like me.

I had 3 top matches listed as "Close Family Cousins."  I was so excited to see them.  I reached out to a couple of them through the site messaging feature.

At the same time, I had decided to completely delete one of my social media accounts.  Just too toxic.  I was almost ready to click the button and One of my matched found me and messaged me.

We chatted for a bit and I tried to go to bed.  Thats when this song got a lot louder in my head.  A lot louder.  I have always liked the song so I wasn't too bothered.  

The end of the second day I had been dealing with a smoke-induced headache (the winds graciously broght the west coast wildfire smoke over for an extended stay) and had mentioned I was going to have to call it a night.  

She said she had to tell me something in the morning and I was going to log out...and again..phone notification went off for a new ancestry message. 

It was one of the other matches...who was the first one's sister. (I'm leaving names out for privacy reasons)

They aren't cousins. They are my half sisters!  When I saw the message I have to admit that I started to cry.  I ugly cried for about 5 minutes and pulled myself together so I could share the news with my friend who has been staying with us.

The sensation that something was missing was gone. I feel peaceful. Quiet-well at least that part of me is quiet. We all know that quiet doesn't often exist where I'm concerned. 

 This song continues to be prominent in my thoughts.  I have since connected with another half sister on the other bio parent's side. 

I didn't realize that I'd had a stronger longing for finding relatives than I'd acknowledged.

NOTE: I am sitting here listening to said song on repeat as I type this and it just dawned on me why. I admit a tear or two is falling as I realize just how deeply it's rooted inside to a part of my inner child I had quietly put on a shelf a long time ago. 

I don't know where these new-found relationships will go; it's new for all of us and we are at the very beginning of this journey. 

My adoptive family are still my parents, that family is my family. I've just been blessed to have a bigger one now.  Those of you who know me in real life know how much having a big family has meant to me and this definitely tics off the boxes! 

 I'm not in any hurry though as I want to take in every moment.

I have posted the exceprt of the lyrics that resonate with me and a link to the YouTube video so you can hear it and get a glimpse into what is happening to me and how amazing it is. 

                                     To my new family: Let's do this! 

The song  is "Find Me' by Singma (featuring Birdy)

"If you're ready, heart is open

I'll be waiting

Come find me

If you're searching for forever

I'll be waiting

Come find me

I see you, here in the darkness

Blinding light right where your heart is

If you're ready, heart is open

I'll be waiting

Come find me

Come find me

Come find me

I see you, here in the darkness

Blinding light right where your heart is

If you're ready, heart is open

I'll be waiting

Come find me"

Here is a link to the song. 
This is the orginial version.  I updated this post to include the version that represents it the most. (It will open in a new window)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ec92Wa8zJs8&frags=pl%2Cwn

It's going to be one of my life power songs now.  It represents energy, hope, connection, ....and family.

Until next time my friends,

-Robyn

And of course I wouldn't be the me you know and love without reminding you that:

                                                    

There And Back Again

Let's begin with the obligatory late August photo: 

And now on to today's episode!

I gave it my best.

The  'serious'  blog.

Let's get real, folks-I mean have you seen me in real life?  

My life isn't pristine and pretty but it's certainly not an apocalypse.

NOTE:  I was looking at the online thesaurus for a fantastic replacement for apocalypse. This was the first thing that showed up so I stopped looking  and settled for it because here we are. 

So I guess it technically could be considered an apocalypse in the overall picture even it is a bit of a stretch. 

My life isn't something that can stay within nice defined boundaries.

I color outside the lines.   I remove mattress tags.  

I occasionally run with scissors. 

I drink milk past the expiration date.  My Christmas tree is still up. 

Yes, I march to the beast of my own drum.

No that's not a typo.  I said beast. 

I will elaborate on that another time. 

My intent was to post meaningful things that provoked thoughts that were philosophical in nature and not the I wonder if she's off her meds kind. 

The funny thing is that I had people message me asking if I was off my meds. Oh the irony....

 I'm more like an eclectic mix of chaospasm mixed in with passion, insanity, and a side of occasional adulting. 

What snapped me back into myself?  

An audio book I was listending to. I randomly checked it out from the online library because the title called to me for some reason. Include the cover shot of a raccoon that looked like it was on an extended mania spree pretty much sealed the deal. 

Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson

Pictured is the author and the book cover

This link will take you to the  free preview of the book. 

 Disclaimer: It is peppered with language but I promise if you can overlook it it's worth it.  

https://www.google.com/books/edition/Furiously_Happy/FS6NBwAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&printsec=frontcover

As I have listened to it I got really excited because  I get it. 

I thank those of you who have stuck with my through the growing pains of finding myself back to this blog. 

 For some reason I got it in my head that by writing a 'serious' blog I was going to be a 'better' blogger.  

Well we can all see how that turned out.  

So this is just a quick update to say that I'm back-really back-and we shall continue on forging through this fantastic life of mine filled with nonsense and grit. 

The grit part isn't always fun to share but it's who I am and this is all-in or all-out.

At times we may go to uncomfortable places but they are part of the package. 

I hope you enjoy the ride. :)

Until next time,

-R

As always remember that there are only: 

Gut Feelings, Stubbornness, and the Changing of Seasons

Most people will say that the change of Summer to Autumn is a big one for them. It definitely is for me. There is something about it that is almost tangible. Some say they feel it in their bones while others might say that there is a general disconnect between seasons. Some feel a sense of dread. 

The reasons are attributed to 'back to school' fever, pulling out the winter gear, mourning the loss of warm-weather opportunities, and voraciously pouring over the winter forecasts with glee because you can't wait to see how bad of a winter is coming each year. Everyone does that, right? 

***Disclaimer: results may vary***

As I've grown older I admit I do like fall well enough. The last couple of years I realized just how much I love it.  Yes, you are reading this correctly:  Winter has a close competitor.  While it does admittedly win out over fall I'm happy to finally publicly embrace this most amazing change of seasons. 

I feel blessed to live in an area that has four distinct seasons. As a hobby photographer I enjoy the rich colors of fall, the stark contrast of winter, the first brilliant greens of spring, and the thunderstorms that are summer's way of reminding us that she, too, has a powerful place in things. 

I think that one of the more uncomfortable things that summer's end represents is a big shift in our personal focus. 

We 'wake up' during spring-an almost frenetic process of renewal. It's frenetic for me because the increase of light sends my poor little neurotransmitters into a flurry of activity that rivals the eruption of Krakatoa. (Obligatory educational link:  https://www.livescience.com/28186-krakatoa.html )

Summer turns our thoughts toward freedom and focus becomes outward.

 Late summer becomes an attempt to hold on with a sense of desperation as the first twinges of fall touch our psyche. 

Fall arrives in a brilliant final display of color as it pulls our focus back inward with more structured boundaries and introspection. 

Winter brings introspection and the stark beauty of nature as she sleeps.

It's a tougher transition for some.  

We are living in times of great uncertainty and this obviously has affected each and every one of us.

 I have tended to become more stubborn about many things in my life in order to maintain a form of stability. I've ignored many gut feelings that I should have followed in my quest to keep as much normality and consistency for myself and family. 

 My stubbornness has become my nemesis. 

The only thing that's ended up being consistent is that ignoring the gut feelings have been costly both emotionally and physically.  

Looking at what I don't have because of the chaos vs counting our blessings. I think that it's important to continue to count the positives we do have, even if it seems like the negatives far outweigh them. 

I have been encouraged by several in my circle to listen to those gut feelings. I found myself initially hyper-focusing and second guessing each feeling I had in an attempt to sort them into the 'gut', 'wishful thinking', and 'nope' categories. It was defeating the whole purpose.

There is a big difference in my gut feelings vs the other ones. The gut feeling is a deeper, quiet, solid thing while the others are not quiet and have no real substance to them. It's similar listening to that still small quiet voice we all do have even if we try to deny it's there. 

As we enter into the next phase of the future unknown, I would encourage you to stand tall and strong.  You are stronger than you realize.  

You can do this. 

We can do this. 

To quote something I came across  a couple of years ago: "Don't be scared, be prepared." Yes, I know it's difficult because we don't know what to really prepare for.  This is a topic I will post on at a later date as I'm still sorting that one out. 

Be good to each other. 

Until next time, 

-R

And I would be remiss if I didn't include that we have for your countdown pleasure: 

Restlessness, Noise, and the Dog Days of Summer

Restlessness and Noise

*Formatting fixed*

I am normally pretty restless during the month of August and this year even more so.

The uncertainty of how school will begin here is still in discussion.  

I had an opportunity to apply for Midget to attend a local charter school in July. 

 While I haven’t received an acceptance letter, I was emailed that she had been accepted. 

Midget is really looking forward to her new school but we don’t know what it will look like yet.  

Normally there is a new student orientation in August. We aren’t sure what supplies are needed as it’s a blended format but I’m going ahead and getting the basics now-backpack, calculator, pens/pencils, etc., things she will definitely use.

Even the sky is restless at this time of year with the Persied Meteor shower peaking tonight!

https://www.space.com/perseid-meteor-shower-2020-webcasts.html

Fun August Fact: 

 

I turned off all electronics for several hours this afternoon and it was uncomfortably  quiet.  I am really making an effort to do reduce the ‘noise’ around me. (As I type this with a Star Wars movie in the background).

I hadn’t realized how dependent on the background noise I’d become. 

 I’d been making sure I have a tablet charged for day and for night. I had been putting on a YouTube video to be able to fall asleep and it is usually a documentary on volcanoes or some other disaster.

I also realized that I have been using melatonin, Benadryl, or a sip of cough syrup every night to go to sleep.   #confessions

 

I am fairly certain that this noise has been a contributing factor to my anxiety. 

My brain simply hasn’t had a chance to truly disconnect for a long time; toss in the extremely chaotic time we are living in it’s no wonder I’m a mess this week!

Last night I decided to make some changes.  It was surprisingly difficult to do it and it felt very uncomfortable.  I tossed and turned a LOT but I eventually fell asleep at some point. 

I probably only got a cumulative 4 hours of sleep but it has to start somewhere!

 

I will be shutting everything off at 9 pm and will read to wind down instead. It’s important for me to establish a healthier routine.

 

I will be heading out to my patio for self care in just a bit.  (taken this afternoon)

 

I want to take my camera and take a day drive this weekend.  I want to keep it a bit spontaneous so I’m not really planning anything. It will be a ‘the tank is full let’s see where the road leads us.” 

I usually do a summer photo shoot and haven’t really done that this year. I took a vacation to the Oregon Coast and shot a few but I’d like to post more than ocean waves and boats in a harbor lol.

                                  *obligatory ocean wave picture*

 

I’ve also been working on writing a bit.  It’s only a note to my outlines, or maybe a paragraph or two. 

 

I’m hoping that by reducing the noise around me I will be able to quiet some of my restlessness.

 

Are you more restless this year? Are you finding yourself hiding behind noise?  I’d love to hear how you are doing. 

We are in this together!

 

Until next time,

-R

 

Time Flies

I hope today finds you all well. I was so tired yesterday that I dozed on the couch most of the morning. It was early afternoon before I had any energy to do anything. I became aware that several things needed to be done around the house. 

Nothing too complicated. Just simple things I'd let pile up or given myself excuses to "get it done later."

I confess I have been a bit stressed as many others are and have ended up not paying attention to my immediate surroundings. My clutter, my self care.

I intended to practice some self care each day. I followed through for a few days but was pulled to other things as my time management has really been lacking the last week or so. 

 I created a small space on my back patio that is filled with several hanging baskets and planters that are in fragrant bloom. I have several varieties of petunias, a couple of mixed planters, and a humongous geranium that the college girls who lived next door abandoned when they moved.

 I have a small wrought iron plant stand that substitutes as a table,  a hummingbird feeder, and led dragonfly lights up as well. I have a camp chair I pull out and I try to sit for a bit a couple times a day.  It's very relaxing and peaceful.

NOTE:  these were taken when I initially got everything set up. It's really filled out and they have grown quit a bit. 

 

I had a completely free day and as I took the time to slow down and really look, I was a bit surprised at just how much I've let things go.  

I had a conversation with the Midget  (who really isn't a Midget anymore but for all intents and purposes in this blog she will be known by that) and we made plans to start by doing a few simple tasks later today. 

I am feeling accomplished that I did complete a few tasks today. 

Small victories! 

It's now 1:40 a.m. Saturday morning as I'm typing this. The Midget has come out twice and told me to go to bed.  She may be ornery a good deal of the time (I blame the teenage alien hormones that have taken over) but at the end of the day she is a very loving daughter. 

She worries about me when I'm up late.  I generally don't sleep much when I'm restless like this. I figured now was as good a time as any to restart this blog. 

One of the other things I've been doing as a form of self care is running a small private Facebook group that I created as my way of combating the chaos of the world.  I started it over a year ago and realized that it would be a great idea to transfer the concept over here.

It's not a participatory group per se but members are welcome to post or respond as they see fit.

I usually start with a good morning, something really silly, a bible verse, something inspirational, a really bad silly animal pun, and close the day off with a goodnight. I have started to toss in a few daily or monthly things as well. 

I will probably do a pared back version of it here.  Something to motivate me to start posting regularly again. I hope you check in once in awhile and let me know how you are doing. 

On to today's topic.....

What is the definition of time? 

According to Webster's Online Dictionary :

Time is a measured or measurable period during which an action, process, or condition exists or continues: duration

A nonspatial continuum that is measured in terms of events which succeed one another from past through present to future.

I can say that time is flying.  It seems like March was yesterday and the shutdown began....then schools closed...and here we are entering the final stage of summer.

My dear friends, time is flying! 

Until next time I wish you kindness and health. 

-R

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