Hard Look in the Mirror

"Fear cannot be banished, but it can be calm and without panic; it can be mitigated by reason and evaluation."  -Vannevar Bush

Today’s blog is the start of  some things that are much more personal that what I’ve done before. While I’ve been sharing some deeper glimpses of my life with you, my next few posts will share on a few different topics: all of them pretty rough for me but those of you who already know me, know that it’s also necessary to share as part of my commitment to blog as part of being the real me. Who knows-maybe one of you who reads this can relate.

 

You never know.

Today I’m going to talk about school and this inane thing I created called THE PLAN.

 

aka Worst. Idea. Ever.

 

Up until last year I’d gone to college year round-Fall, Spring, and Summer. I had A PLAN.  I was determined never to waiver from it no matter what natural or manmade disaster befell me. What was THE PLAN? To work straight through my courses and get my bachelor’s as soon as possible. No matter what.  It’s important to have A PLAN for someone like me who often gets distracted when on a task.

 

After all, isn’t creating A PLAN part of being a successful adult and/or late bloomer?

 

Starting in spring of 2007 I began my journey in atypical fashion. No advisor, no entrance counseling. I got myself registered and moving forward, choosing classes I knew I’d excel in to get started.

 

A semester in I realized I needed some direction (who knew?) and met with an advisor who made everything look good on paper but sent me in an absolutely unrealistic direction. This individual meant well-I can be quite convincing when I need to be-especially if something sounds good and I really want it. 

 

A semester later I was approaching meltdown after my first day in basic algebra. A gal took pity on my poor, wretched math soul and offered to help me.

 

Best. Day. Ever.

 Where is this going?  We’re getting there, I promise.

This led to me entering a program with lots of student support, etc.   After changing two majors (one because my head was ready to explode and the other for health issues) I found a good basic and realistic major.

I was set and revamped THE PLAN, much to my dismay but more determined than ever.  Four years later, I graduated with my degree. Feeling the need to compensate for changing THE PLAN I picked up several certificates/enhancements along the way.  I probably should have paid more attention to the fact that I graduated on Friday the 13^th…

I will note that a few of you were in school with me at the time and watched the beginnings of the chaos to come.   

 

I transferred to the next educational institution (Lord help them) and was off on the next leg of this journey. I didn’t want time off because I honestly was afraid I wouldn’t start back up and it would deviate from THE PLAN.

Of course, having Murphy and all his laws living in my back pocket always made things a bit more interesting (I use that term loosely). Summer went as planned and I was more dedicated to THE PLAN than ever.  Then Fall arrived.

With me so far? Good. *takes deep breath*

I have no idea what I was thinking, except that fluffernutting  PLAN that I had to stick to NO MATTER WHAT was nearly my downfall-okay it was my downfall. A total of four back-to-back surgical procedures on my legs/feet later (two minor, two major), and Fall & Spring semesters were complete failures-seriously.  I failed nearly all my classes.  Fall was medication fall out (you have to be able to actually read the text to pass the class). Spring was an even more complete fail. I couldn’t concentrate, etc.   I was crushed. Let the self flagellation commence.

I forced myself to take a year off. Smartest thing I’ve done. After all is said and done, I stopped making excuses and took a long hard look at my educational future and why I had two disastrous semesters.  Last week I finally acknowledged what everyone had been trying to tell me: 

 

I was burned out.                                            Really burned out.  

 

 Like ashes-after-the-phoenix burned out.

                      We are talking cinders, baby.                          

                                                                                                   

If you remember my first post way back when, Fear of Failure has always been an issue with me.  To accept burnout was to accept failure. THE PLAN had crumbled and I was pretty much paralyzed as far as any future education went-what am I if I don’t have A PLAN to go by? I was talking a good talk about going back and even started the process twice but never followed through.

 

 

As of a week ago I know what I AM. A person who overdid it and paid the price. And I’m ready to start the process to get back and finish my bachelors, but more realistically and reasonable. Putting on my really big girlie panties and ready to deal.

The one thing that had been holding me back?  My refusal to accept the reasons behind what happened.  Now that I have accepted that I had epic burnout I’ve giving myself something to stand on, if that makes sense-a starting point if you will.

 

I realistically evaluated things and have started the process. The best thing about it?  I’ve left THE PLAN behind.  It feels really weird without one. Almost a sense of being unbalanced but also liberating.  I’m keeping it really simple and taking it in increments of small goals. I just need to make sure I keep said goals realistic and only set two or three at a time, not adding more until the current are completed.

 

I'm feeling the same excitement I used to at getting the opportunity to learn and move forward.  After all, I'm not a spring chicken anymore-I fall a bit closer to the quacking duck.

 

The coolest thing is that others I’ve shared this with have not gone the ‘we tried to tell you’ route. It’s more like a collective sigh of relief.  They are simply encouraging me and reassuring me that all will be as it should.  That’s been invaluable as I reassess my goals.I can say that my advisor is VERY excited at my current state of mind. She ‘gets me’ and has always had my back.

What I do know is that I would like to continue my education-I'm so close.  After being gone a year I'm not kidding myself-It's going to be hard work and I'm willing to do it.  One of the things it will take is doing as much on campus as possible and less online. 

  

I'm going to download and print off the paper work and will be honest in my explanations and hope the appeal committee approves me. But I’m also prepared for the possibility of denial which I was never open to in the past.  I will take one step at a time and accept what comes, not borrowing trouble.

 

 

 

Sometimes it’s not enough just to look in the mirror. You have to accept what you see staring back at you to move forward.

 

Don't let you become your worst enemy.

 

 

 

Until next time,

Robyn
(Pardon my excessive use of graphics and parentheses today-they seem to fit!)

Today's blog is brought to you by: 

‘Get ThroughThis’ and ‘Raining’ by Art of Dying.

It's the perfect soundtrack for today’s post.

 

What am I listening to and how did I get there?

Let me start off by saying that when I sign on to Twitter I do check who's followed me. I actually check out who it is. I actually like to have conversations or at least say hi to them.

 I'm not about the numbers in any of my accounts.

 

Yes, I know that bands follow followers of other bands, etc.   If I don't care for an artist I won't necessarily delete them unless they represent something I can't support. (Cutting themselves and bleeding all over themselves and on the stage is just not something I'm down with, but that's just  me).

If I do like an artist I will thank them and follow them back with a comment of what I like about their sound (and I do check out their music first). This often starts a conversation  that may or may not lead to Facebook friending, etc.  In many cases, it's even gone to the personal accounts for fun filled and sometimes thought provoking topics.

I always add in the 'I'm a harmless old lady that loves to rock' so I don't scare the poor souls away. I mean, you never know and this IS the Internet, right?  RIGHT?

Sometimes I do feel this old

Why do I pursue this avenue in-depth with an artist?  When it comes to art-especially music, I like to get an idea of what's behind the music-what drives the artist.

I also just have this epic maternal instinct and love to 'adopt' people. If you've known me a long time you've seen this in action, and know it's from a pure place. I mean when you are out on the road, getting some good old fashioned encouragement with no expectations back is good for the soul. 

I have two at the moment.

Now on to what I am listening to.
The playlist for this post consists of Clint Lowery's work. (The guitarist for Sevendust)
"Summertime", "Uncomfortable Silence", "Expectations", and "Caved In."  I just love his melodies and softer side of his voice.  Don't get me wrong-the man can rock, I am just in a quieter mood today.

I've been slowly organizing "Mercy" and setting up the final playlist. The majority of the artists are indie and I found them on Noisetrade for free.(I have since donated a small amount as I play the music constantly). Similar to Clint Lowery, some are side projects from musicians in larger, well-known bands.

"Mercy" playlist

 

Of course they aren't necessarily in order.  The Hawk In Paris and Stephen Mason are launched from Jars of Clay. Joshua James is absolutely amazing-brutal and realistic lyrics. I saw Stars in Stereo when they opened for Bullet For My valentine and I just loved them and this acoustic rendition of their song in particular. Feel free to search them on your own-I think you will be pleased.

 

You can really see the boy + girl elements when put all together. This is going to be a lot of work but that only makes it a better product in the end.

 

 

 

A few other recent discoveries are Socionic, Voyageur (formerly Saga City), Summertime Dropouts, Letters from the Fire, The Letter Black, Stars in Stereo, Minnasia, and Hope & Harbor.

 

As usual, they are all over the place, genre-wise. For the most part, I like just about everything.

I know this is a short post today, but I would love to know what YOU are listening to?

 

Please excuse my use of more pics than normal.  It's just one of those days.

-Until next time, my friends. :)



 

 

Life is a song - sing it. Life is a game - play it. Life is a challenge - meet it. Life is a dream - realize it. Life is a sacrifice - offer it. Life is love - enjoy it.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/s/saibaba176928.html#6iuspD7oearf13JT.99

 "Life is a song-sing it. Life is a game-play it. Life is a challenge-meet it. Life is a dream-realize it. Life is a sacrifice-offer it. Life is love-enjoy it." -Sai Baba

Life is a song - sing it. Life is a game - play it. Life is a challenge - meet it. Life is a dream - realize it. Life is a sacrifice - offer it. Life is love - enjoy it.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/s/saibaba176928.html#6iuspD7oearf13JT.99

Life is a song - sing it. Life is a game - play it. Life is a challenge - meet it. Life is a dream - realize it. Life is a sacrifice - offer it. Life is love - enjoy it.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/s/saibaba176928.html#6iuspD7oearf13JT.99



Look Into my Camera Eye

Yes, amazingly enough-a double post! 

I hope this season is finding you well. Normally I am a basket case and SAD kicks in.  I've got good people around me and I've only had one dark day this season so far.  I even got my Christmas lights up outside.  Yes, my tree has been up all year but now it's fully decorated and pretty. I do plan to take it all down on January 1st.

I thought I'd be crafty and make my own 5 x 7 cards this year. It was great until I realized I needed to send out around 90 cards-I printed out 40 and then ended up getting some basic cards and mailed them with smaller 4 x 6 prints I'd had left from a shoot this summer. A bit of a costly lesson, but oh so worth it!

The cards:

 

 

 

I am getting the occasional commission now and it makes me feel both excited and fearful-what if I screw up?  What if I've somehow represented myself to be something I'm not?  And cue the ages old self-doubt I've blogged about a while back.

It's all a learning process for me.  I continue to learn from my mistakes and I really do ask for critical comments from others because it's how I learn.  Next up I'm going to take the foray into macro work.  I was going to buy myself a basic introductory macro lens but realized I already have a 4 lens kit.  It's a bit more work to experiment with it, but I have to start somewhere.

As a Christmas gift, I put together a really neat photo book for my parents. As dysfunctional, messed up, and painful as our relationship has been over the years, they have always supported my photography, and I thought it would be the perfect gift.

I should be getting it any day and after proofing it, will get it shipped of to them hopefully by Christmas.  It's a bigger, leather bound one and I'm pretty excited.  If I'm really happy with it I might treat myself and order a basic copy for myself.

I thought it would be fun to share a few from the book-I would love your honest (and gentle please) criticism and comments. Please note that these are low res versions or it would have taken FOREVER to upload them.

I wish you all a Merry and Bright Holiday Season!

Robyn :)

These have various copyright names as they were taken from 2005-2013.

Hurts, Hopes, and a Return from the Abyss.

 Hi there!

I've been MIA for some time now.  I ended up being distracted by my own inertia again.  I think it's happened to the best of us at some point or another.

I dealt with the loss of two pets in a 45 day span, and it's taken a lot more out of me that I'd realized. The loss of a pet is never easy.  Smirk all you want to but I get all schmoozy and snuggly with our pets. Yes, I consider them family members. 

I am usually able to try and convince myself that I've emotionally distanced myself when dealing with the more unpleasant aspects of critter maintenance but when all is said and done, reality kicks in and my heart hurts. I cry. I get a bit depressed.  Sometimes I feel guilty. Then I feel self conscious because I feel all of the above.

RIP to our beloved Shih Tzu Ming and our giant fuzzball Rowan Alexander. They were best buddies and generally slept together. It was still odd that through unexpected circumstances they went within a month of each other.  
  

********

I took part in NaNoWriMo again this year and did indeed complete a new novel. What is NaNoWriMo you ask?  It's when crazy people like me take part in a literary event where the goal is to write 50,000 words during the month of November-my final word count was 54,773.

Besides the personal kudos and self patting on the back, we get a certificate:

I'd planned to work off an outline I did last year but as usual a new story begged to come to life.  It's different than what I've written before-no paranormal, no dystopian apocalypse. Now comes the really hard part-editing!

Here is the working cover and title for now :

 

 

Here is a brief excerpt but please bear in mind that this is unedited and might contain a bazillion mistakes and overwhelming amounts of purple. (See the blog post on "Purple"). I was lazy and figured it was easier for me to just cut and paste this straight from my NaNo page.

 

Synopsis

Mercy and Seth. Best Friends. An uncertain future. A story about boy and a girl.

Excerpt

The waves crashed around Seth, the power thundering through the surf as the gentler foam carpet encapsulated his feet. Mercy screeched as the cold surrounded her ankles. She ran back to the dry sand, giggling and laughing with the unspoiled innocence that often accompanies this stage of childhood.

“Got you!’ he shouted as he jumped into the next wave. Saltwater soaked her as it continued its journey.

Mercy's eyes sparkled mischievously even as the thought entered her mind. She ran forward, hoping to meet the next wave before Seth did. She would spin at the last minute and douse him in turn. As she leapt forward to greet the snowy white froth she couldn’t help but savor a moment of freedom.

Frozen in time, for mere seconds, she felt the elation of having no limitations or boundaries. She wondered if this was how the sea gulls felt as they skimmed the waves and slice through the coastal winds. The sun warming her skin against the brisk sea breeze, like a mermaid enjoying a lazy afternoon. The seals as they played among the larger, but gentle, swells farther out.

Not wanting to release that moment, she looked up at the fluffy clouds from where her guardian angels surely watched in amusement over their charge, waiting at the ready to carry her to the heavens should something go awry.

Her toes touched the water as she descended and she mourned, as gravity and the world around her regained their control. She could not bear the loss. She turned to tell Seth of the sadness of it all, but he was focused on something at the edge of the sand. He looked up at her and pointed down.

Now was the time! Mercy took a few steps closer and bent as if to see what he had discovered, but at the last minute, scooped up a handful of water and sea weed and threw it at him. Seth’s eyes registered shock, a momentary flare of anger, followed by same spark of mischief she had worn moments before.

The waves crashed around them again and again, the power thundering through the surf as the gentler foam carpet encapsulated their feet in a dance as old as time. She screeched as he started to chase her through the water.

Mercy ran back to the dry sand, giggling and laughing with the unspoiled innocence that often accompanies this stage of childhood. They spent many summers that way.

***

 I'm actually really excited about this one. For the first time that I can remember, my playlist won't leave my head.  It's pretty cool too. I can post it if you want-just ask in the comments.

 

 

I am going to double post today in my attempt to make up my absence to you.

 

I hope your day is peaceful and serene.

 

Robyn :)

 

 

What am I reading?

 

I am reading a really neat book- "Isaac's Storm" by Erik Larson. It's a well-written true story.  Follow the link to a detailed description. I'm still in the first few chapters but it's one I have to be careful of reading at night because it's so hard to put down.

 

 

What am I up to?

 

Several friends and acquaintances are expecting or have had their babies in the last two weeks, so I am attempting to make a little something for each of them.

 

That's about it for now!