I Smiled at Myself in the Mirror this Morning.

I can’t believe I got this far.

 

Lots of things have dropped in my path over the last few months-many of them will have long lasting effects. But hey, I’ve always been an optimist right?

What I had not noticed or realized is that ever since the first big thing happened I started on a path that has led me where I am this morning: a pessimist and cynic. 

One of my besties has been occasionally calling me a Negative Nancy for the last couple of months but I always took it as humorous sarcasm-until yesterday.

 

 

Last week a close friend was going through her own big thing, and instead of me offering up my normal ‘there’s a silver lining in there somewhere and you’ll get through this’  encouragement I made several negative comments and chose to dwell on the worst of the worst that was going on-granted the ‘worst’ things were fairly accurate, but that’s not the issue; how I handled it was.

The issue is me.

How did I get here?

Why didn’t I see it coming?

 

 

It happens so often; the desensitization that takes place, poisoning the heart a little bit at a time until you find yourself in a pretty dark spot scratching your head perplexed that you are there in the first place.

I think it started when I had to make a choice due to outside influences to put our beloved 6 year old Shih Tzu Ming to sleep.  He would have only been with us maybe another year or so due to health issues, but still.   I realize that I was very angry that it wasn’t MY time of choosing and that I am still angry over the circumstances, although the party involved did what they could to make amends. I also recognize and admit that I never allowed myself to fully process his loss. I’d noticed some signs of depression (staring out the window a lot and feeling lost) as did those around me and I have taken some steps to deal with it.

Forward several months later and I decided it was a good time to add a canine family member-not to replace Ming but to simply enjoy another canine in the house with the added bonus of getting me outside and into the sunshine and moving in the fresh air.

We adopted two small dogs that ended up not working out in a very short time. This actually added to the hole that I swore I could literally feel in my chest. I barely glanced at the depression that was continuing to hang over me.

I made excuses for it and went on about what I thought was my business but was  in truth a few more steps down the ‘emotional fail’ spiral. I was done and ready to deal with the fact that there was no dog out there for us. Ever. (Cue my dramatic overdrive-I could have won an Oscar) Coda our new Shih Tzu has entered our lives as was meant to be and it’s been a wonderful thing.

The Ming thing is the key starting point that I can identify...then the self depreciation over other various things.  I internally started knocking myself down for everything that was going awry in my life and my children’s lives. 

One small layer added at a time and my outlook became pretty foggy.  Looking back now I can see the little comments made about my attitude from those around me were from places of concern.

Fear to look inward really sucks.

Most of you know that I’d lost my medical insurance a couple of years ago but was fortunate that we have a really good clinic here that does the sliding-fee thing.  It meant I could get my basic health stuff taken care of, which was a big relief.  What it knocked out were things like vision care.  

Through whatever means took place I got notified that my medical was reinstated. I was so relieved! Of course I made appointments to check my eyeballs, etc. I really believed things were looking up when I got the biggest life changer dropped in my lap so far. One trip to the eye doc.

The most recent big knock that sent me completely over the edge-knocked me for a loop.

The Diagnosis: Early Onset Primary Open Angle Glaucoma.

My mind went into panic-all I could think of was not being able to see, going blind. 

You know, Glaucoma=blind.

I'm only 49. How could I be a mom? Who would take care of my kids? I would have to depend completely on someone else! This is not acceptable-I have to be able to SEE!  I would not be able to do two of the things that are so important to me-writing and photography.

I felt like I’d been handed a death sentence.

I tried to put on a brave face, allowing myself what I thought was a week of appropriate panic.

Realistically, the doc had been monitoring my eyes for a while, but we didn’t expect anything for many years and I’d forgotten about it.

The facts are that I have not lost any function in my vision at this point.  I do have optic nerve damage in both eyes.  It’s very treatable and the eye drops I have to take twice daily basically arrest it on the spot and it should not progress any further, or if it does, very minimally. The instances of blindness from my type are very rare.

I finally noticed that there was something wrong earlier this week. I was looking over a charitable ‘ask for help’ site and found myself mocking the posts asking for help, seeing only people out to scam people for things they were too lazy to work for.  (I know, right?!?)

I looked up at my friend and fellow blogger Seeds of Ink and asked what was wrong with me. She gave me some much needed feedback that I finally listened to.

I forced myself to look inward.  I wasn’t proud of what I found.

I’m angry. I’m afraid.

 I’ve allowed it to fester and it’s become something that has turned me into someone I don’t like. My friends have put up with so much. I can see clearly now how they have all been worried about me but not really known how to help.  I recognize the underlying issue of the whole shebang.

Control and the lack thereof. I like to be in control of the personal things around me.

 

 

 

I think that recognizing and acknowledging it is the first step toward getting out of this pit I’ve put myself in.  I haven’t made any concrete plans for the rest of it, but today I’m going to hug my Midget a bit more and get outside into the sunshine.

 

 

 

 I love to garden. I started several indoor seeds this week and wonder if that bit of therapy was what gave me the courage to look at this. Who knows what the catalyst was?

I miss the me who has a positive spin on life to a fault.  I miss me. The one that laughs freely, seeing nonsensical and juvenile idiocy in routine things. I miss the smiles I bring to those around me.  I decided to start with something simple.

 

 

I smiled at myself in the mirror this morning.

I think it was a good place to start.

Until next time,

Robyn J

As always, I would love to hear from you!

(The second thing was to put on some good music and write this blog post)

 

 

 

 

 

Hurts, Hopes, and a Return from the Abyss.

 Hi there!

I've been MIA for some time now.  I ended up being distracted by my own inertia again.  I think it's happened to the best of us at some point or another.

I dealt with the loss of two pets in a 45 day span, and it's taken a lot more out of me that I'd realized. The loss of a pet is never easy.  Smirk all you want to but I get all schmoozy and snuggly with our pets. Yes, I consider them family members. 

I am usually able to try and convince myself that I've emotionally distanced myself when dealing with the more unpleasant aspects of critter maintenance but when all is said and done, reality kicks in and my heart hurts. I cry. I get a bit depressed.  Sometimes I feel guilty. Then I feel self conscious because I feel all of the above.

RIP to our beloved Shih Tzu Ming and our giant fuzzball Rowan Alexander. They were best buddies and generally slept together. It was still odd that through unexpected circumstances they went within a month of each other.  
  

********

I took part in NaNoWriMo again this year and did indeed complete a new novel. What is NaNoWriMo you ask?  It's when crazy people like me take part in a literary event where the goal is to write 50,000 words during the month of November-my final word count was 54,773.

Besides the personal kudos and self patting on the back, we get a certificate:

I'd planned to work off an outline I did last year but as usual a new story begged to come to life.  It's different than what I've written before-no paranormal, no dystopian apocalypse. Now comes the really hard part-editing!

Here is the working cover and title for now :

 

 

Here is a brief excerpt but please bear in mind that this is unedited and might contain a bazillion mistakes and overwhelming amounts of purple. (See the blog post on "Purple"). I was lazy and figured it was easier for me to just cut and paste this straight from my NaNo page.

 

Synopsis

Mercy and Seth. Best Friends. An uncertain future. A story about boy and a girl.

Excerpt

The waves crashed around Seth, the power thundering through the surf as the gentler foam carpet encapsulated his feet. Mercy screeched as the cold surrounded her ankles. She ran back to the dry sand, giggling and laughing with the unspoiled innocence that often accompanies this stage of childhood.

“Got you!’ he shouted as he jumped into the next wave. Saltwater soaked her as it continued its journey.

Mercy's eyes sparkled mischievously even as the thought entered her mind. She ran forward, hoping to meet the next wave before Seth did. She would spin at the last minute and douse him in turn. As she leapt forward to greet the snowy white froth she couldn’t help but savor a moment of freedom.

Frozen in time, for mere seconds, she felt the elation of having no limitations or boundaries. She wondered if this was how the sea gulls felt as they skimmed the waves and slice through the coastal winds. The sun warming her skin against the brisk sea breeze, like a mermaid enjoying a lazy afternoon. The seals as they played among the larger, but gentle, swells farther out.

Not wanting to release that moment, she looked up at the fluffy clouds from where her guardian angels surely watched in amusement over their charge, waiting at the ready to carry her to the heavens should something go awry.

Her toes touched the water as she descended and she mourned, as gravity and the world around her regained their control. She could not bear the loss. She turned to tell Seth of the sadness of it all, but he was focused on something at the edge of the sand. He looked up at her and pointed down.

Now was the time! Mercy took a few steps closer and bent as if to see what he had discovered, but at the last minute, scooped up a handful of water and sea weed and threw it at him. Seth’s eyes registered shock, a momentary flare of anger, followed by same spark of mischief she had worn moments before.

The waves crashed around them again and again, the power thundering through the surf as the gentler foam carpet encapsulated their feet in a dance as old as time. She screeched as he started to chase her through the water.

Mercy ran back to the dry sand, giggling and laughing with the unspoiled innocence that often accompanies this stage of childhood. They spent many summers that way.

***

 I'm actually really excited about this one. For the first time that I can remember, my playlist won't leave my head.  It's pretty cool too. I can post it if you want-just ask in the comments.

 

 

I am going to double post today in my attempt to make up my absence to you.

 

I hope your day is peaceful and serene.

 

Robyn :)

 

 

What am I reading?

 

I am reading a really neat book- "Isaac's Storm" by Erik Larson. It's a well-written true story.  Follow the link to a detailed description. I'm still in the first few chapters but it's one I have to be careful of reading at night because it's so hard to put down.

 

 

What am I up to?

 

Several friends and acquaintances are expecting or have had their babies in the last two weeks, so I am attempting to make a little something for each of them.

 

That's about it for now!