I Smiled at Myself in the Mirror this Morning.

I can’t believe I got this far.

 

Lots of things have dropped in my path over the last few months-many of them will have long lasting effects. But hey, I’ve always been an optimist right?

What I had not noticed or realized is that ever since the first big thing happened I started on a path that has led me where I am this morning: a pessimist and cynic. 

One of my besties has been occasionally calling me a Negative Nancy for the last couple of months but I always took it as humorous sarcasm-until yesterday.

 

 

Last week a close friend was going through her own big thing, and instead of me offering up my normal ‘there’s a silver lining in there somewhere and you’ll get through this’  encouragement I made several negative comments and chose to dwell on the worst of the worst that was going on-granted the ‘worst’ things were fairly accurate, but that’s not the issue; how I handled it was.

The issue is me.

How did I get here?

Why didn’t I see it coming?

 

 

It happens so often; the desensitization that takes place, poisoning the heart a little bit at a time until you find yourself in a pretty dark spot scratching your head perplexed that you are there in the first place.

I think it started when I had to make a choice due to outside influences to put our beloved 6 year old Shih Tzu Ming to sleep.  He would have only been with us maybe another year or so due to health issues, but still.   I realize that I was very angry that it wasn’t MY time of choosing and that I am still angry over the circumstances, although the party involved did what they could to make amends. I also recognize and admit that I never allowed myself to fully process his loss. I’d noticed some signs of depression (staring out the window a lot and feeling lost) as did those around me and I have taken some steps to deal with it.

Forward several months later and I decided it was a good time to add a canine family member-not to replace Ming but to simply enjoy another canine in the house with the added bonus of getting me outside and into the sunshine and moving in the fresh air.

We adopted two small dogs that ended up not working out in a very short time. This actually added to the hole that I swore I could literally feel in my chest. I barely glanced at the depression that was continuing to hang over me.

I made excuses for it and went on about what I thought was my business but was  in truth a few more steps down the ‘emotional fail’ spiral. I was done and ready to deal with the fact that there was no dog out there for us. Ever. (Cue my dramatic overdrive-I could have won an Oscar) Coda our new Shih Tzu has entered our lives as was meant to be and it’s been a wonderful thing.

The Ming thing is the key starting point that I can identify...then the self depreciation over other various things.  I internally started knocking myself down for everything that was going awry in my life and my children’s lives. 

One small layer added at a time and my outlook became pretty foggy.  Looking back now I can see the little comments made about my attitude from those around me were from places of concern.

Fear to look inward really sucks.

Most of you know that I’d lost my medical insurance a couple of years ago but was fortunate that we have a really good clinic here that does the sliding-fee thing.  It meant I could get my basic health stuff taken care of, which was a big relief.  What it knocked out were things like vision care.  

Through whatever means took place I got notified that my medical was reinstated. I was so relieved! Of course I made appointments to check my eyeballs, etc. I really believed things were looking up when I got the biggest life changer dropped in my lap so far. One trip to the eye doc.

The most recent big knock that sent me completely over the edge-knocked me for a loop.

The Diagnosis: Early Onset Primary Open Angle Glaucoma.

My mind went into panic-all I could think of was not being able to see, going blind. 

You know, Glaucoma=blind.

I'm only 49. How could I be a mom? Who would take care of my kids? I would have to depend completely on someone else! This is not acceptable-I have to be able to SEE!  I would not be able to do two of the things that are so important to me-writing and photography.

I felt like I’d been handed a death sentence.

I tried to put on a brave face, allowing myself what I thought was a week of appropriate panic.

Realistically, the doc had been monitoring my eyes for a while, but we didn’t expect anything for many years and I’d forgotten about it.

The facts are that I have not lost any function in my vision at this point.  I do have optic nerve damage in both eyes.  It’s very treatable and the eye drops I have to take twice daily basically arrest it on the spot and it should not progress any further, or if it does, very minimally. The instances of blindness from my type are very rare.

I finally noticed that there was something wrong earlier this week. I was looking over a charitable ‘ask for help’ site and found myself mocking the posts asking for help, seeing only people out to scam people for things they were too lazy to work for.  (I know, right?!?)

I looked up at my friend and fellow blogger Seeds of Ink and asked what was wrong with me. She gave me some much needed feedback that I finally listened to.

I forced myself to look inward.  I wasn’t proud of what I found.

I’m angry. I’m afraid.

 I’ve allowed it to fester and it’s become something that has turned me into someone I don’t like. My friends have put up with so much. I can see clearly now how they have all been worried about me but not really known how to help.  I recognize the underlying issue of the whole shebang.

Control and the lack thereof. I like to be in control of the personal things around me.

 

 

 

I think that recognizing and acknowledging it is the first step toward getting out of this pit I’ve put myself in.  I haven’t made any concrete plans for the rest of it, but today I’m going to hug my Midget a bit more and get outside into the sunshine.

 

 

 

 I love to garden. I started several indoor seeds this week and wonder if that bit of therapy was what gave me the courage to look at this. Who knows what the catalyst was?

I miss the me who has a positive spin on life to a fault.  I miss me. The one that laughs freely, seeing nonsensical and juvenile idiocy in routine things. I miss the smiles I bring to those around me.  I decided to start with something simple.

 

 

I smiled at myself in the mirror this morning.

I think it was a good place to start.

Until next time,

Robyn J

As always, I would love to hear from you!

(The second thing was to put on some good music and write this blog post)