"The strength of
a woman is not measured by the impact that all her hardships in life have had
on her; but the strength of a woman is measured by the extent of her refusal to
allow those hardships to dictate her and who she becomes." -C. JoyBell C.
Many times over the years several people have told me that I am strong.
I've had that said to me more in the last year than in my entire life. About three years ago I was directly affected by a suicide. Last year a friend who is closer than a sister was diagnosed with cancer
(She's doing well today, thank God). I hung in there and prayed and worked through it
The
last three months have had things thrown at me at warp speed: Two serious accidents in a week with my sister and brother-in-law. My
primary physician died three weeks ago. Our parish priest died last Monday. Another provider almost died and spent a month in the hospital. Yet another good friend was diagnosed with cancer, and today a bestie told me there
are some health things that are being looked in to-you get the idea.
(It should be noted that I have unusual relationships with my providers-we have a much more personable relationship while staying within ethical boundaries-this explains why their deaths affected me so much.)
I can't forget to add the complexity of a pre-teen just
starting to hit puberty and her own issues tossed into the mix, an adult
child in crisis and refusing to recognize it, and some major re-arranging of my social environment.
What is strength and what does it mean to be strong?
There are all kinds of cutesy memes and quotes about how
amazing strong women are, but has anyone considered that some of them might
just be weary and that piling extra on doesn't really affect them that much
because they are already numb and can't feel the extra weight?
I wouldn't always call it being strong-sometimes I would call it going into survival
mode. It just might be that the
appearance of being strong in actuality is
the act of locking down emotions because letting them out is would be too
frightening of a prospect. Some of this is applicable to me-automatic survival mode.
I was recently asked "How do you do it?"
While I don't know all the specifics of the workings of my mind I can share a couple of things.
What I can tell you is that I just take a moment at a time
and concentrate on the next steps I need to take at any given moment and try
not to deal with more that one of these events at a time. I work very hard to keep it like that but
there are many moments when it gets difficult. Compartmentalizing things can be
exhausting in itself.
I listen to music-different genres and styles- and it really
does help. Sometimes it helps me to name the emotion I'm feeling and begin the
process of moving through it.
The people who know me in real life have experienced watching me go through
it at one time or another-I would call them strong for sticking by me when I
get so intensely restless and emotional.
I have a quirk that
has irritated people for a long time and that's my "silver linings"
view on life. As crazy, sad, or chaotic
things get in a situation-mine or
others-I can always find one or two silver linings in there somewhere. It drives people nuts-especially when they
want to just grieve whatever they are going through. I even irritate myself.
Often times I will be looking back on a situation and
realize the weight of it is gone. I'm
okay. The pressure has lifted a bit. I've moved past the worst of it (still
respecting the impact it's had on me). Other times I have to make a more conscience effort to step away from it and regroup.
Somehow I am able to
pull some kind of something from deep within myself and get through things
enough to come out alright on the other side. My faith is a big source of
strength and the most important to me, but that's a post for another day.
What is gratitude?
As crazy as it might seem, I'm grateful that I have these
things in my life once all is said and done because while they are painful,
they have made me who I am today and I'm happy with who I am (plus or minus a
few lbs, lol)
I want to say that I'm grateful for the friends and
family around me who tell me I'm strong.
Even if I don't exactly know what that means.
Until next time,
Robyn :)
