Today’s blog is the start of some things that are much more personal that what I’ve done before. While I’ve been sharing some deeper glimpses of my life with you, my next few posts will share on a few different topics: all of them pretty rough for me but those of you who already know me, know that it’s also necessary to share as part of my commitment to blog as part of being the real me. Who knows-maybe one of you who reads this can relate.
Today I’m going to talk about school
and this inane thing I created called THE PLAN.
aka Worst. Idea. Ever.
Up until last year I’d gone to
college year round-Fall, Spring, and Summer. I had A PLAN. I was determined never to waiver from it no
matter what natural or manmade disaster befell me. What was THE PLAN? To work
straight through my courses and get my bachelor’s as soon as possible. No
matter what. It’s important to have A
PLAN for someone like me who often gets distracted when on a task.
After all, isn’t creating A PLAN part
of being a successful adult and/or late bloomer?
Starting in spring of 2007 I began
my journey in atypical fashion. No advisor, no entrance counseling. I got myself
registered and moving forward, choosing classes I knew I’d excel in to get
started.
A semester in I realized I needed some
direction (who knew?) and met with an advisor who made everything look good on
paper but sent me in an absolutely unrealistic direction. This individual meant
well-I can be quite convincing when I need to be-especially if something sounds good
and I really want it.
A semester later
I was approaching meltdown after my first day in basic algebra. A gal took pity
on my poor, wretched math soul and offered to help me.
Best. Day. Ever.
This led to me entering a program
with lots of student support, etc. After changing two majors (one because my head
was ready to explode and the other for health issues) I found a good basic and
realistic major.
I was set and revamped THE PLAN,
much to my dismay but more determined than ever. Four years later, I graduated with my degree.
Feeling the need to compensate for changing THE
PLAN I picked up several certificates/enhancements along the way. I probably should have paid more attention to
the fact that I graduated on Friday the 13th…
I will note that a few of you were
in school with me at the time and watched the beginnings of the chaos to come.
I
transferred to the next educational institution (Lord help them) and was off on
the next leg of this journey. I didn’t want time off because I honestly was afraid
I wouldn’t start back up and it would deviate from THE PLAN.
Of course,
having Murphy and all his laws living in my back pocket always made things a
bit more interesting (I use that term loosely). Summer went as planned and I
was more dedicated to THE PLAN than ever. Then Fall arrived.
With me so
far? Good. *takes deep breath*
I have no
idea what I was thinking, except that fluffernutting PLAN that I had to stick to NO MATTER WHAT was
nearly my downfall-okay it was my downfall. A total of four back-to-back surgical
procedures on my legs/feet later (two minor, two major), and Fall & Spring
semesters were complete failures-seriously.
I failed nearly all my classes.
Fall was medication fall out (you have to be able to actually read the text
to pass the class). Spring was an even more complete fail. I couldn’t
concentrate, etc. I was crushed. Let the self flagellation
commence.
I forced myself to take a year off.
Smartest thing I’ve done. After all is said and done, I stopped making excuses
and took a long hard look at my educational future and why I had two disastrous
semesters. Last week I finally acknowledged what everyone had been trying
to tell me:
I was
burned out. Really burned out.
We are talking cinders, baby.
If you remember my first post way back when, Fear
of Failure has always been an issue with me.
To accept burnout was to accept failure. THE PLAN had crumbled and I was
pretty much paralyzed as far as any future education went-what am I if I don’t
have A PLAN to go by? I was talking a good talk about going back and even
started the process twice but never followed through.
As of a
week ago I know what I AM. A person who overdid it and paid the price. And I’m
ready to start the process to get back and finish my bachelors, but more
realistically and reasonable. Putting on my really big girlie panties and ready to deal.
The one
thing that had been holding me back? My
refusal to accept the reasons behind what happened. Now that I have accepted that I had epic
burnout I’ve giving myself something to stand on, if that makes sense-a
starting point if you will.
I
realistically evaluated things and have started the process. The best thing
about it? I’ve left THE PLAN
behind. It feels really weird without
one. Almost a sense of being unbalanced but also liberating.
I’m keeping it really simple and taking it in increments of small goals.
I just need to make sure I keep said goals realistic and only set two or three
at a time, not adding more until the current are completed.
I'm
feeling the same excitement I used to at getting the opportunity to learn and
move forward. After all, I'm not a spring chicken anymore-I fall a bit
closer to the quacking duck.
The
coolest thing is that others I’ve shared this with have not gone the ‘we tried
to tell you’ route. It’s more like a collective sigh of relief. They are simply encouraging me and reassuring me
that all will be as it should. That’s
been invaluable as I reassess my goals.I can say that my advisor is VERY excited at my current state of mind. She ‘gets me’ and has always had my back.
What I do know is that I would
like to continue my education-I'm so close. After being gone a year
I'm not kidding myself-It's going to be hard work and I'm willing to do
it. One of the things it will take is doing as much on campus as possible
and less online.
I'm going to download and print off
the paper work and will be honest in my explanations and hope the appeal
committee approves me. But I’m also prepared for the possibility of denial
which I was never open to in the past. I
will take one step at a time and accept what comes, not borrowing trouble.
Sometimes it’s not
enough just to look in the mirror. You have to accept what you see staring back
at you to move forward.
Don't let you become your worst enemy.
Until next time,
Robyn
(Pardon my excessive use of graphics and parentheses today-they seem to fit!)
Today's blog is brought to you by:
‘Get ThroughThis’ and ‘Raining’ by Art of Dying.
It's the perfect soundtrack for today’s post.
