Life, The Election, and Covid-19

My personality is a beast. It's loud. It can be moody.  Unpredictable.  Passionate. Intense. 

When it gets upset it gets really upset. It wants to be mean and petty.  It can also love fiercely. 

My personality also is fiercely loyal; often to my detriment and it's a beast I have to fight consistently because I've often lost my footing in the process.  

For the most part it has just wanted to just get along.  I forget to take care of me more often than not.

  

My personality sometimes doesn't make sense.  It often appears contradictory to itself and sometimes more than once a day.

The amount of sleep I get definitely affects the intensity of the given day.  

When I'm frenetic and emotions are all over the place time is a blur.

When I'm angry you can imagine the sound of a wet hissing spitting kitten.

Paradox. Our resident ruler.

I like to think I am pretty predictable. I think it's more a situation of being stuck in my ways and my loathing of change. 

The political climate over the last couple of years in addition to the election mess taking place now have me asking myself some hard questions. 

Have my beliefs changed? How? 

I think they have expanded more that changed.  I stepped back a bit and took in a larger expanded view of things and realized that by keeping such a narrow focus I was missing half the picture.  And it was a big half lol. 

Is it healthy for me to hold so much in? 

I used to say yes because I'm a pretty private person when it gets down to the nitty gritty. I think there are maybe 3 people on this planet I trust to share the deepest of the deep. 

I have realized lately that it's important for me to vent a bit more in the safe spaces I have or take the different approach of simply talking about it to the person(s) it involves.  

That is a delicate line for me because I'm about as subtle as a lead pipe when I have great feels. 

Where is the line between just enough and oversharing?  The line between sticking to your principals or sacrificing your integrity?

I've always shared the position of respecting different views even when they are the direct opposite of mine.  I always figured that I'm not in their shoes, they aren't in mine so as long as the respect goes both ways all is well. 

Lately my brain has started hinting that maybe it's not as okay.  With the epic socio-cultural changes taking place in our society it's had me wondering if by said respect of others views I am complicit with theirs.  There are things that are part of a personality and things that are a choice.   I have really taken a look at things and it's shaken me up a bit. 

There are certain things I absolutely am against personally and I say I've drawn a line for myself over them but by saying I respect people I know who do believe or practice such things actually does imply a type of complicity.  

I'm really struggling with this one. I have always spoken up about some things but the things I'm struggling with have always bothered my but I put them aside.   I've been quiet.  I was talking to a friend the other day about this and I said " Maybe it's time that I'm not so quiet anymore."

It's a hard call on how I'm going to approach these things but rest assured I am going to approach them and deal with them. It's a very scary process and I want to make sure I respond and not react.

 

I don't want things to go back to the way they were; it was toxic and  what we are going through at this moment is the result.   

I want to move forward and grow. 

 I would love unity and healing but I'm not naïve. I know it won't have fluffy clouds of happy but we can work towards something positive.

We are in the midst of  growing  pains not seen in decades.

The one thing I say quite often is " all will be well in the end." It means things will be okay or at a point we can accept them as a starting point to leave a place our point of chaos.  

It's a peace I have that while things are really bumpy and chaotic, I feel deep down that things will settle and we will be able to move forward. We have the opportunity to rise to these challenges. 

Our humanity depends on it. 

We don't get an automatic "let's be friends" pass anymore. Things have been said and done in moments of anger, fear, and disgust that can't-and shouldn't-be forgotten. It may even be time to re-evaluate some relationships in your circle.

Shining a light inward isn't a comfortable feeling. Making snap decisions doesn't always end well. I need to take my time to process things. I also recognize that it is a form of  avoidance.     

The toxicity displayed by people over the last two years in particular has been astounding.  I want the election to be over and done but I know it won't solve the many problems before us.

It's time for honest apologies, accountability, and a willingness to stand for  a common goal to work toward.

I know we can do this.  We can unite or at least agree on some common ground and let the rest grow around us.

Does that sound unrealistic?   I suppose so but did I mention my other fault is being an optimist? 

Go figure. 

And on to Covid-19.....another incredibly decisive issue.  

Yes, I have had two tests. Thankfully negative.  

My simple (and non-negotiable) thoughts on the matter:

Wear a mask.     Wash your hands.     Decide what you are willing to risk.     Don't stop living. 

A couple of mine. 

I know of those in my circle who have lost people I have friends and family who have/had it. Some were really sick. Some weren't. One had no symptoms.

And in the words of Forest Gump...

Image obtained from tenor.com

Sorry this isn't my usual nonsensical entry, but many things are weighting heavy on my heart today. 

I wish you all peace, health, and wellness. 

Be kind.  

Until next time, 

Robyn

20 days until Thanksgiving

49 days until Christmas

359 days until Halloween

Hi, New Stuff On The Way, And Catching Up

                     October 

It's one of my favorite months. 

The season begins to change in earnest; nature pulls out her crayons and creates a masterpiece. 

 Hot cider, hot cocoa, and the autumn-scented candles take over mantles and microwaves. People take a breath and look around, even if for only a moment, and that moment can change your mindset.  

EDIT:  It can change your mindset alright!  

Invasion of the gnats! 

Gnatmageddon! 

Gnats everywhere! 

For your viewing pleasure...gnats in motion...gnat ballet...you get the idea.

I went  in search of fall color this past weekend planning to get some work to update my Flickr that is WAY overdue for new stuff.   I've taken a bunch since I last uploaded there but I've always had 'squirrel' moments each time that I meant to actually sit down to do it.  

 

Anyhow, that turned out to be an adventure in itself and I'll be sharing that, crappy pictures and all, so you can both celebrate and commiserate the events that took place that day. 

You can see some of my work here.

The weather has finally reached that amazing place when we have warm days and the crisp cooler nights.  That stage when you wonder if it's time to pull out the flannel sheets.  That time when you both celebrate and fear  pumpkin everything. 

 The time where I wonder whether I should fight the elements or let them take my plants to the garden underworld.  (I decided in favor of cleaning up for the season. I didn't want to wait until it was chilly and rainy).

It looks so empty now. I will be putting up a few decorations to note the current season as I wait patiently for the day I can get all my outdoor Christmas fare up.  

We ended up catching the first of the seasonal viruses going around. It wasn't fun and took a bit longer than usual to go away. It wasn't the 'rona (we both had to get a tested as a precaution) but it was miserable enough. Today we are nearly recovered!  

Image by Myriam Zilles on Pixabay

I wanted to post something a bit lighter today and thought I'd share some of the ideas I'm going to include in upcoming posts.

 I will be reviewing a myriad of things.  Some will be artisan crafts or products. From food to photography I hope to share some of the things that inspire me. 

I will be featuring a social media accounts that I find have amazing/interesting content. I follow and have developed some friendships with both hobby and professionals in the upcoming content I will share that I think are worthy of a look see. 

 Recipes are a big one for me right now as I'm embarking on yet another chapter of health improvement (and it's working!)  I will even review a current workout thing that has been successful as it can be giving my current physical condition. 

 I have tried artisan products through groups of like minded people, and items through friends and family, old and new.

Sometimes I've found amazing things when I've fallen down the YouTube rabbit hole at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday morning....and some absolutely horrific things too, but that's for another discussion. 

What's new with you? 

With all of the disasters and stress-both emotional/mental and physical-I can't help but wonder how all of you are doing.    If you've ever read any of my posts, trust me, you have all collectively crossed my mind lately.  

 Unfortunately we are living in a climate of uncertainty and chaos. I would like to remind you that it's important to take care of yourselves.  Be kind. Be patient. Be you. 

Do you love all things pumpkin or detest it's hijacking of the season?  If you love pumpkin what is/are your favorite items? 

I'm not a fan of pumpkin as a rule but some amazing muffins and a Starbuck's Chocolate Pumpkin Creme Nitro Cold Brew changed my mind but only for that drink.  

Until next time,

Robyn

And don't forget that....

I Can See Clearly Now

  

The raging fires in Oregon (basically the entire state), California (I can't believe there is anything left to burn!), Washington State (again?!?), and here in Idaho have created such disaster, heartache, and destruction that it honestly took the wind out of my blogging sails. 

Yaquina Head Lighthouse, Newport Oregon

Then the smoke came. I don't mean the typical 'here for a day and gone tomorrow' type we usually experience each year that may occasionally hit the 'unhealthy' or 'hazardous' categories for a half day or so. 

I am referring to the smoke that crept across the sky with it's thick viscous malevolence.  The particulates consisting of not only vegetation smoke but many homes, cars, businesses, etc.   

Wildfire smoke is often described as smelling like a giant campfire. Our brains recognize it and while devastating feels a bit familiar. This smoke was another thing entirely.

It has a frightening, poisonous, acrid smell. It's a chemical-ish stink and there is nothing like it. It's the kind of smoke that makes you feel like you are suffocating if you are directly exposed for more than a minute or two.   

As I looked my sliding glass window that day I saw the strange filtered orange sunlight with tiny specks of ash falling. Sepia would be a more accurate description of the color.  I had a thin layer of it on my car more than once.  

It got so bad that we had to literally stay indoors.  We ended up having to hang a blanket over the front door to seal it and another one as a door stopper. We pulled out both of my ion air purifiers and turned up our Himalyan salt lamps.  I went and bought high quality furnace filters but it was too dangerous to use the furnace as I don't have a  'recirculate' function. 

We were getting a bit stir crazy and I have to tell you 2020 has become the year of living Jumanji.  

We finally had to be brave and venture out for needed items and I broke into my wildfire kit (I have different kits for different scenarios) and pulled out the N95s.  

Now before you say "but those are for medical personnel" I will tell you I put my kit together several years ago and always have several packages of N95s just for this particular reason.  Having asthma sucks. It sucks worse in smoky conditions.

Yours truly

At times I felt guilty because what we suffered here was NOTHING compared to what people experienced (and are still experiencing) in many areas. Sometimes it's hard to keep perspective. 

There were promises from the weather forecasters that the end was coming.  Rain was promised.  Then the air quality alerts were extended by two days.  The only positive was that the air quality numbers were ever so slowly improving.  

Facebook was filled with comments of "I've never been so excited to be very unhealthy"  and " I can't wait to be unhealthy." 

Even as the numbers improved it was a bit confusing as the thickness of the smoke got worse and settled in to the point once again that we couldn't see the local mountains. There were a few differences though.  

The smoke wasn't the yellowish, diffusion that had been the previous week's mess. This was more of the white smoke that it still crappy but resembles more of a winter inversion type of smoke. It was confusing until I realized that it didn't smell as bad. (but still made me cough a lot).

Neon pink sun through the smoke. 

The first night of predicted rain didn't fall. It was more a few drops here and there scattered over the area.  The wind had started to move the atmosphere a tiny bit.  We did, in fact improve to unhealthy, and people started to emerge into society a bit.  

I miss the mountains

Still can't see the mountains

I dutifully took part in washing my car yesterday afternoon to help increase the chances of rain. As night fell I kept looking out my front door to see if the rain had come. I stuck my head out for one last time before bed and the sidewalk was wet!  

Yes, my friends, it had indeed rained! 

 

I got the dog leashes and took the canines for a quick walk to their favorite tree and they were as excited as I was to be out. The air smelled wonderful!  I went to bed happy and filled with relief that things were well on their way to better. 

I woke up this morning and it's a beautiful early fall day!   The air quality is good, there is no haze, and we have partly cloudy skies. Where the sky is peeking through it's that beautiful pale blue that is prominent in September. I have several windows open and I'm so grateful to be getting the gross smell out of my house.

 

It will probably take me a couple of days to get the junk out of my lungs but I'm breathing deeper and am more grateful with each breath of that fresh clean air!

I would be easy for us to just move on and go forward but I would ask you to remember all who are still battling these epic fires. Headway is being made but they are far from over.  

Many people also don't realize that fire season runs through mid October where I live and we have a ways to go before we are at lower risk.  My prayer is that this is the worst of it and things settle down.

Please keep the fire crews and first responders in your thoughts. Some have lost everything yet keep their focus trying to save others from the same fate. 

I'm grateful for their service.

As I look out my window I am so glad to say that...I can see clearly now. 

Until next time,

-R

PS no countdown reminders today.  Just didn't feel right. 

For a bit of the perspective I mentioned, here is the list of large fires burining in ID, WA, CA, and OR. 

Come Find Me

Have you ever had a song stuck in your head?

Not an 'earworm' but a song that has a feeling of deep resonation but no apparent explanation?  

Sometimes I love it and others it can be annoying. Sometimes I'm able to correlate it and other times I just have to attribute it to my sphere of old ladyness.

That being said, trying to sleep when you have a song playing as loud as a freight train roaring can definitely interfere with healthy sleep. It's the norm for me though as I live through a different lens and lean toward the creative.  It's just how my brain works. 

 Sometimes there is an underlying reason for a particular song, other times it might be a general mood. It might be a single line, a verse, or the song as a whole. It's resonation to you might not be the intention that the composer identified with but the beauty of art is that it's flexible and fluid. 

The backstory:  I'm adopted. I've known this my entire life and my adoptive parents were always supportive and at one point had even put me in touch with the agency that handled it.

 I was able to to get some basic information but I still had a  sense that something was missing. It wasn't the horrible agony or deep sense of loss that some adoptees feel.  I would never  mimimize another adoptee's feelings because each experience is unique as we as individual human beings are unique. 

 I head been curious to my ethnic background and thought it would be fun to see if it matched with what I'd always been told so I took the leap and ordered an AncestryDNA test. 

I sent it off per the instructions and waited impatiently, watching the tracking information as it progressed on it's way to the lab. It was processing and I had been waiting for my results that were estimated to be another week out.  

I normally turn my phone off at night but for some reason I had left it on. I had an email notification around 11:30 p.m. and the results were in!  Of course there was no way I was going to be able to sleep so I logged on to the laptop to see what my results were.  

I had no idea what to expect as I clicked the link to the website and logged into my account. 

I did a double take. One of them looks so much like me.

I had 3 top matches listed as "Close Family Cousins."  I was so excited to see them.  I reached out to a couple of them through the site messaging feature.

At the same time, I had decided to completely delete one of my social media accounts.  Just too toxic.  I was almost ready to click the button and One of my matched found me and messaged me.

We chatted for a bit and I tried to go to bed.  Thats when this song got a lot louder in my head.  A lot louder.  I have always liked the song so I wasn't too bothered.  

The end of the second day I had been dealing with a smoke-induced headache (the winds graciously broght the west coast wildfire smoke over for an extended stay) and had mentioned I was going to have to call it a night.  

She said she had to tell me something in the morning and I was going to log out...and again..phone notification went off for a new ancestry message. 

It was one of the other matches...who was the first one's sister. (I'm leaving names out for privacy reasons)

They aren't cousins. They are my half sisters!  When I saw the message I have to admit that I started to cry.  I ugly cried for about 5 minutes and pulled myself together so I could share the news with my friend who has been staying with us.

The sensation that something was missing was gone. I feel peaceful. Quiet-well at least that part of me is quiet. We all know that quiet doesn't often exist where I'm concerned. 

 This song continues to be prominent in my thoughts.  I have since connected with another half sister on the other bio parent's side. 

I didn't realize that I'd had a stronger longing for finding relatives than I'd acknowledged.

NOTE: I am sitting here listening to said song on repeat as I type this and it just dawned on me why. I admit a tear or two is falling as I realize just how deeply it's rooted inside to a part of my inner child I had quietly put on a shelf a long time ago. 

I don't know where these new-found relationships will go; it's new for all of us and we are at the very beginning of this journey. 

My adoptive family are still my parents, that family is my family. I've just been blessed to have a bigger one now.  Those of you who know me in real life know how much having a big family has meant to me and this definitely tics off the boxes! 

 I'm not in any hurry though as I want to take in every moment.

I have posted the exceprt of the lyrics that resonate with me and a link to the YouTube video so you can hear it and get a glimpse into what is happening to me and how amazing it is. 

                                     To my new family: Let's do this! 

The song  is "Find Me' by Singma (featuring Birdy)

"If you're ready, heart is open

I'll be waiting

Come find me

If you're searching for forever

I'll be waiting

Come find me

I see you, here in the darkness

Blinding light right where your heart is

If you're ready, heart is open

I'll be waiting

Come find me

Come find me

Come find me

I see you, here in the darkness

Blinding light right where your heart is

If you're ready, heart is open

I'll be waiting

Come find me"

Here is a link to the song. 
This is the orginial version.  I updated this post to include the version that represents it the most. (It will open in a new window)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ec92Wa8zJs8&frags=pl%2Cwn

It's going to be one of my life power songs now.  It represents energy, hope, connection, ....and family.

Until next time my friends,

-Robyn

And of course I wouldn't be the me you know and love without reminding you that: